Me - One year ago

I'm sure I've shared this before, but at this time, it's worth mentioning again
http://www.canyoustayfordinner.com/my-weight-loss-journey/

I always had a weight problem. I love using past tense. Granted I have a ways to go, but not nearly as far as this time last year. A year ago today, I was miserable. I was morbidly obese. My body could have given out on me at any moment. I was depressed. I lived my life vicariously through others, because I didn't have the energy or strength to do what they were doing. I lied to myself that it wasn't "that bad".  I got more stretching done just by trying to tie my shoes. I got winded walking up the 15 steps to leave my house each morning. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I ate to celebrate good things. I ate to comfort myself during the bad times. I wasn't feeding myself, I was feeding my emotions. I spent 8 hours sitting at a desk at work and then came home and sat in front of the TV/computer for another 6 hours before I would go to bed.

I didn't have a miserable childhood. I was happy, really. I knew I was different, that I had other challenges than most kids. This was made clear to me when I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting when I was 7. I don't blame my mom. She had 3 other kids at the time. She had tried losing weight herself and helping me and didn't know of any other resources. The problem was that no one else in the family had a weight problem. I vividly remember going to a meeting with my mom and then coming home to the family eating ding dongs and ho hos. They told me I couldn't have any because I was on a diet. They probably have no idea how this effected me. It's defintely something that has stuck with me. I was talking to my mom while I was home this last month. She apologized for not doing more to help me lose weight earlier. I can't blame her for the extra eclair that I snuck, or using all my babysitting money on peanut butter cups and m&ms.

I was never able to get control on my weight and it just got progressively out of control the older I got. More weight meant less activities. More weight meant bigger clothes. Bigger clothes meant shopping in the old ladies section. Old ladies section meant Erin was not looking good. Seriously. I went through some high school pictures this last week. My eyes burned.

I made peace with myself. I made peace that I would never be healthy, never be skinny, and that I just needed to make due with what life had given me. How sad. Being overweight was going to be my challenge. It was what I had to deal with. I would rather be overweight then have x problem or x problem.

Then 2007 rolled around. I was at the highest weight I had every been, 350 lbs. (who can ever say they're happy at 350lbs). My grandma found a doctor who specialized in Bariatric surgery, specifically the Lap-Band. I talked it over with my parents, went in for a consultation, and because I was un-insured i.e. no red tape, the surgery was done 2 weeks later. It was the best/worst 6 months of my life. I lost 50lbs like that. I had more energy. I was losing weight, despite what I ate. I started going to the gym. But I hadn't made any mental/emotional progress. I found out soon enough that Ben & Jerry's goes through that smaller stomach super nice. And if I wanted to eat more, all it took was another glass of water. Soon enough I had gained back the 50 lbs and an additional 25, just for kicks.

Last July we went on a family vacation to Florida. I thought that I looked so good in my new swimsuit. I have photographic proof that that was not the case. I was getting to the moment where I knew I was not going to be able to live in my current physical state.. at least not for long. I wanted to be able to do more, I wanted to actually look good in a swimming suit. I wanted to want to have pictures taken of me. I wanted to be able to do anything without questioning whether or not I was going to make it. I never wanted to have to back out from playing sports, hiking, biking, etc because I simply couldn't. That was me a year ago today. To be continued... tomorrow :)