I walked around Liberty Park last night for my exercise. It was really nice to be outside. I'm pretty sure I walked faster being 80lbs lighter. It didn't seem to take me as long. I tried running a little bit, but with not being able to really pace myself I was winded after about 15 seconds. I decided that running on the treadmill will probably help me with the pacing and be able to build my endurance.
I went to dinner with friends last night. I love when everything is just chill, hang out, and conversations aren't forced. It's so relaxing. My cousin is visiting me on Friday. Saturday I have tickets to the So You Think You Can Dance tryouts. Saturday I get to hang with my very own honey badger Jen (woot woot) and Sunday a chilled girls' night at Alicia's! It's going to be a packed weekend, but I can't wait!
Let me preface this next part with the following: I love my dad. He has done so much for me. I know he loves me immensely and would never say or do anything intentionally to hurt me. A few days ago I was talking to my dad about my weight loss. He said something about how he better get on the ball or else he would be the family fattie. It took me until today to realize that he had called me fat. He was totally kidding and it really made me laught. Especially that I just remembered the conversation, 4 days later. Oh well. That's me.
I had two nights of dreams about going to the prom. Anyone want to guess what that means? Different dates, different schools, different dresses.. but I still looked hot! haha
February 23, 2012
February 20, 2012
My thoughts on the matter at hand
I'm not going to lie. I was expecting to hit the 299 mark 3 weeks ago. I'm not going to dwell on that though. It is such a great feeling. Today I was seriously on cloud 9. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I know that I have still have a long way to go, but if I can make it to this point (and survive waiting 3 weeks for my body to kick into gear), I think that I can continue on to my ultimate goal.
A lot of people have asked how far I'm going to go, what number on the scale will end this madness. Right now I'm aiming for 175, but I honestly can't remember a time that I was that weight. Heck, I can't remember the time I was at 299. My "healthy weight" range is 136-178. A part of me wants to work towards 150, but again, I don't know where I'm going to be when I hit this weight and how I'll feel. I'm just going to take it day by day, month by month, and see where I end up. As long as I'm happy and healthy I can't really complain :) I have more energy, more happiness, and my self esteem is on the rise. I have had serious issues with self esteem my entire life. I love this transformation. I love the new Erin and I am so anxious/excited for future Erin.
Words can't express the love and support I have felt from everyone. It means so much to me. You really have buoyed me up, especially this last month. I love all the comments (I'm a comment whore, but I think everyone who has a blog has a part of comment whore in them).
So here we go, onward and upward. I made a deal with Matt that once I reach 299 (any part of 299) I will bring my scale in to him. Well, it's all ready to go. There's a scale at the gym, but I'm going to try to only weight myself once a week. I get too caught up with the numbers. However, next stop is 100 pounds! Who's going to party with me? Seriously, there will definitely be a party!
Oh and here is the photo proof :)
A lot of people have asked how far I'm going to go, what number on the scale will end this madness. Right now I'm aiming for 175, but I honestly can't remember a time that I was that weight. Heck, I can't remember the time I was at 299. My "healthy weight" range is 136-178. A part of me wants to work towards 150, but again, I don't know where I'm going to be when I hit this weight and how I'll feel. I'm just going to take it day by day, month by month, and see where I end up. As long as I'm happy and healthy I can't really complain :) I have more energy, more happiness, and my self esteem is on the rise. I have had serious issues with self esteem my entire life. I love this transformation. I love the new Erin and I am so anxious/excited for future Erin.
Words can't express the love and support I have felt from everyone. It means so much to me. You really have buoyed me up, especially this last month. I love all the comments (I'm a comment whore, but I think everyone who has a blog has a part of comment whore in them).
So here we go, onward and upward. I made a deal with Matt that once I reach 299 (any part of 299) I will bring my scale in to him. Well, it's all ready to go. There's a scale at the gym, but I'm going to try to only weight myself once a week. I get too caught up with the numbers. However, next stop is 100 pounds! Who's going to party with me? Seriously, there will definitely be a party!
Oh and here is the photo proof :)
February 19, 2012
75 pics
Like I've said earlier... it's been a rough couple of weeks. My scales have only fluctuated a pound here a pound there. I thought February HAD to be better than January. I don't think I'll be meeting my goal this month, but I feel a lot better and my clothes seriously no longer fit me. I went shopping yesterday and found a couple items on clearance, plus I had a coupon. I also bought some work pants, size 22 (5 pant sizes baby!) because I am not going to be wearing dresses the rest of the weight loss journey.
So here you go, here's pics for 75. I probably shouldn't have worn a poofy shirt with a cardigan, but I'm pretty sure you'll still be able to the gist.
I was going to wait until I hit 299, but that's only in 4 pounds. Plus this is legitimately 75 pounds.
Let's remind ourselves the before...
And at present..
So here you go, here's pics for 75. I probably shouldn't have worn a poofy shirt with a cardigan, but I'm pretty sure you'll still be able to the gist.
I was going to wait until I hit 299, but that's only in 4 pounds. Plus this is legitimately 75 pounds.
Let's remind ourselves the before...
And at present..
February 15, 2012
scales
So I haven't lost any weight in almost 3 weeks. I'm going a little crazy. Last week I had Kayla hide my scales so I wouldn't weigh myself multiple times a day. They're back out and I'm back to weighing myself 3ish times a day.. which is bad, but better than what I was doing (if you can imagine that). Matt lectured me again last night and we struck a deal. Once I reach 299 I have to bring in my scale. He is keeping it hostage until who knows when. We will weigh once a week at the gym (but the scale is availabe there so I :can: weigh everyday if I want.
I mentioned this to my friend at work. She sent me this picture.
I think I'll be able to survive the withdrawals from not being able to weigh myself everyday. I'm just SO focused on numbers. I need numbers. Numbers tell me what I'm doing, how I'm progressing. Matt says the numbers don't matter in the long run, it's how you feel. I feel better when I see the numbers that I want to see :)
I mentioned this to my friend at work. She sent me this picture.
February 13, 2012
quick notes
I was in the breakroom today, said "Hi" to a girl that I have been working with since being at Intermountain (3 1/2 years). She said hi and then kind of stood back, realized who it was, and said that she hardly recognized me and how good I looked! YAY. She told me that she had had lap band and lost 50 pounds, but gained most of it back (exactly what I did, but gained back more).
I know I've said this before, but I love my newly re-found collar bones. And I love my slowly redefined arms. If you see me, you'll probably notice me subconciously feeling my arms. Yes, I love them that much. If you're around I'll probably make you feel them too.
I love that painting my toenails is no longer an aerobic exercise.
I know I've said this before, but I love my newly re-found collar bones. And I love my slowly redefined arms. If you see me, you'll probably notice me subconciously feeling my arms. Yes, I love them that much. If you're around I'll probably make you feel them too.
I love that painting my toenails is no longer an aerobic exercise.
February 12, 2012
Ideas? Suggestions? Tips?
I have a question for everyone. I am having a really hard time with the whole self control thing. Yesterday I got some Rocher Ferrera (?) chocolates from my parents for Valentines day. Did they last more than 4 hours? Yes, they did, but that's because I left them in my car while I went to a movie. But during the movies I ate popcorn and shared some M&Ms with Katelyn. I just feel that when the sweets come around I can't seem to stop. I can brush it off for awhile, but then continually crave it until I fill that craving, or miraculously get my mind off of it. What do you do when you have those intense cravings? How do you not eat a whole bag of M&Ms in one sitting? What stops you from eating the package of Oreos (I'm looking at you, Janelle). I feel like my appetite has just been all over the place the last week and I'm looking to find some more control. Thanks!
February 8, 2012
The first step is admitting you have a problem
I think I've already mentioned my incessant need to weigh myself. This is my typical schedule.. wake up, empty bladder, weigh, work, weigh (different scale), gym, weigh, dinner, weigh, plus probably a couple other times throughout the day. It's worse on the weekends, trust. So I decided (along with others) that this is not healthy. Who would have thought.
I had Kayla hide my scale on last week. I actually almost have anxiety over not being able to weigh myself multiple times, but I think it's for the better. I was so caught up with reaching 299 last week, and then, when I failed to do so, I basically lost it.
I cracked this morning. I asked Kayla to get the scale out, just so that I can see. I don't want to miss the 299 mark, even if seeing 297 next week is better. I can only give up one thing at a time! So she got the scale out with my back turned, and then sat on the stairs while I weighed myself in the bathroom. I told her she could just go and hide it again when she got home, but she wanted to be there to personally hear the shouts of joy. Alas, it was not meant to be. But, I'm totally okay with it. I'm that much closer. Maybe by the end of the week. I have such a great parole officer!
I had Kayla hide my scale on last week. I actually almost have anxiety over not being able to weigh myself multiple times, but I think it's for the better. I was so caught up with reaching 299 last week, and then, when I failed to do so, I basically lost it.
I cracked this morning. I asked Kayla to get the scale out, just so that I can see. I don't want to miss the 299 mark, even if seeing 297 next week is better. I can only give up one thing at a time! So she got the scale out with my back turned, and then sat on the stairs while I weighed myself in the bathroom. I told her she could just go and hide it again when she got home, but she wanted to be there to personally hear the shouts of joy. Alas, it was not meant to be. But, I'm totally okay with it. I'm that much closer. Maybe by the end of the week. I have such a great parole officer!
February 6, 2012
Cardio Report
This is to give you motivation to keep on going. I'm not bragging. I'm saying if I can do this, you can definitely do this. Just start. One step at a time! I'm here for any of you if you have any questions, if you are starting your own self transformation, for support.
In September when I started this whole journey I died the first time I got back on the elliptical. After 5 minutes I was done, panting, slowly dying. I decided I would start on the bike (bonus, I got to sit!). I alternated between the bike and the treadmill, spending most of my time on the bike. Then I decided I would work on moving onto the elliptical, increasing my resistance and time little by little. I stayed mostly at a 1, maybe pushed myself to a 2 here or there. I think it was November when it was suggested that I increase my resistance level. I got up to a 5 and felt really good about it.
About a month ago we increased my target heart rate to 150 on cardio days and then in a month or so bump it to 160. I was able to reach 150 in 25 minutes and maintain that for the rest of the workout (an additional 35 minutes). The last two weeks I've been having a really hard time getting it past 147. It was stupid and annoying and dumb (yes, I threw a tantrum like a 5 year old). Again it was suggested that I change my routine, as my body was probably just getting used to the elliptical and was very acclimated to the work it needed to do. So we started on the stairs.
I like the stairs, really, I do. It stretches my legs really well and you can get a good workout in in a short amount of time. The last few cardio days I've done 10-15 minutes on lower levels and then quickly moved onto the elliptical to finish up my time.
I share all of this information with you for the following reason:
Today I hopped on the stairs, did 15 minutes and sped over to the ONLY open elliptical. I went straight to a level 10 resistance (out of 20) and started my time. I was surprised that my heart rate was at 140. I was excited that it wouldn't take me that much longer to get to 150. Twenty-four minutes in I was at 150 and holding. Forty minutes in I was at 160!!! I had made it! I broke whatever spell had been cast on the stupid elliptical and got to my cardio goal. I actually ended the night at 164 for 15 minutes. It was MARVELOUS. And I was at a level 14 resistance.
The moral of this story is that I started out 5 months ago barely able to do 5 minutes at a level one. Today I did 50 minutes, mostly at a level 13 or 14. I love my heart. I have apologized for treating it so poorly in the past. Be good to your heart, it's what's keeping you alive!
In September when I started this whole journey I died the first time I got back on the elliptical. After 5 minutes I was done, panting, slowly dying. I decided I would start on the bike (bonus, I got to sit!). I alternated between the bike and the treadmill, spending most of my time on the bike. Then I decided I would work on moving onto the elliptical, increasing my resistance and time little by little. I stayed mostly at a 1, maybe pushed myself to a 2 here or there. I think it was November when it was suggested that I increase my resistance level. I got up to a 5 and felt really good about it.
About a month ago we increased my target heart rate to 150 on cardio days and then in a month or so bump it to 160. I was able to reach 150 in 25 minutes and maintain that for the rest of the workout (an additional 35 minutes). The last two weeks I've been having a really hard time getting it past 147. It was stupid and annoying and dumb (yes, I threw a tantrum like a 5 year old). Again it was suggested that I change my routine, as my body was probably just getting used to the elliptical and was very acclimated to the work it needed to do. So we started on the stairs.
I like the stairs, really, I do. It stretches my legs really well and you can get a good workout in in a short amount of time. The last few cardio days I've done 10-15 minutes on lower levels and then quickly moved onto the elliptical to finish up my time.
I share all of this information with you for the following reason:
Today I hopped on the stairs, did 15 minutes and sped over to the ONLY open elliptical. I went straight to a level 10 resistance (out of 20) and started my time. I was surprised that my heart rate was at 140. I was excited that it wouldn't take me that much longer to get to 150. Twenty-four minutes in I was at 150 and holding. Forty minutes in I was at 160!!! I had made it! I broke whatever spell had been cast on the stupid elliptical and got to my cardio goal. I actually ended the night at 164 for 15 minutes. It was MARVELOUS. And I was at a level 14 resistance.
The moral of this story is that I started out 5 months ago barely able to do 5 minutes at a level one. Today I did 50 minutes, mostly at a level 13 or 14. I love my heart. I have apologized for treating it so poorly in the past. Be good to your heart, it's what's keeping you alive!
Hip Hop, Pop and Rock & Roll
My friends Sarah, Jen, and Alicia thought they would conduct a fun social experience on Saturday and took me to my first club.
Guess what? I survived! Guess what else! I'll probably be going again. It was much needed for all of us. See previous post. It was great to get dressed up and go out on the town. And I looked dang good, haha (see facebook profile for picture proof, will document better next time). I really liked the first DJ, great beats, fun bunch of girls, and only a few creepers circling around. And there was only one fight that broke out in the middle of the dance floor. Oh and I got to do a lot of people watching which we all love to do! Plus, it was only $5.00, I mean, that's cheaper than going to a movie! And you're burning off calories instead of shoving your face full of buttered popped kernels of goodness. Win win situation!
I just need to learn to pace myself. I was putting down all my good moves within the first 45 minutes. I was exhausted afterwards and it's safe to say, not looking my best...
Note to self, next time remember to take your ID with you the first time, then you won't have to give up the prime parking spot across the street from the club. Oh and flats are always a better choice!
Guess what? I survived! Guess what else! I'll probably be going again. It was much needed for all of us. See previous post. It was great to get dressed up and go out on the town. And I looked dang good, haha (see facebook profile for picture proof, will document better next time). I really liked the first DJ, great beats, fun bunch of girls, and only a few creepers circling around. And there was only one fight that broke out in the middle of the dance floor. Oh and I got to do a lot of people watching which we all love to do! Plus, it was only $5.00, I mean, that's cheaper than going to a movie! And you're burning off calories instead of shoving your face full of buttered popped kernels of goodness. Win win situation!
I just need to learn to pace myself. I was putting down all my good moves within the first 45 minutes. I was exhausted afterwards and it's safe to say, not looking my best...
Note to self, next time remember to take your ID with you the first time, then you won't have to give up the prime parking spot across the street from the club. Oh and flats are always a better choice!
February 5, 2012
I apparently feel strongly about the events of the past week
I feel a little Carrie Bradshaw-ish, minus the Mr. Big, New York City, awesome wardrobe, etc. Basically I'm sitting here in my sweats, drinking Martinelli's straight from the bottle, typing to all my "readers" my thoughts of the day. I know.. it was a stretch to begin with, but listening to Adele does that to you.
I would like to start out apologizing for the length of this post. I haven't finished typing it yet, but I have this feeling it's going to be epic. Just pour yourself some tea (herbal, natch) and settle in.
I would like to consider this week one of my break through weeks. If you have been following along, you would know that last Saturday I hit a big goal, down 75 pounds and feeling on top of the world. I went shopping, bought myself this skirt that I've had my eyes on for a while now. It is a 22.. it doesn't fit, but it's going to, and I'm going to wear it, and it's going to be hot!
Sunday I was up 2 pounds.
Tuesday I was up another 2 pounds.
Safe to say I was not a happy camper. AT. ALL.
I spent the week trying to wrap my hands around why this happened. I've come up with 5 reasons:
A- It's the weekend, who doesn't indulge a little.. truth. I ate a HUGE piece of Peanut Butter Cream Cheese pie from The Dodo. Yes, it was full of delicious, creamy, yummy goodness as it sounds. BUT, I noticed that being of large quantities of sweets for this past 5 months has changed my ability to handle so much. I was instantly sick after eating that piece of heaven. I know now that I can still eat sweets, but my body really can't handle it in the quantities that it used to, which is a good thing.
2- Water Weight: I'm really good at drinking water during the week. I'm at my desk, I have my water bottle that I drink out of continually throughout the day. Over the weekend I usually just stay at home and forget my water bottle, thus decreasing the amount of liquid that I add to my body. And really, water weight isn't excess water. It's when you're so dehydrated that your body doesn't want to get rid of anymore water, so it holds onto it, which isn't a good thing. Last words. DRINK WATER!
C- Muscle vs Fat: My body composition is slightly changing overtime. If you watch me through the day you'll notice me checking out my arms. It's a lot of fun. I may even let you touch my biceps. I love how my calves are shaping up and I can feel a difference with my "core" muscles. That said, I don't think the change is that drastic that it would stop my losing weight in 3 days. Plus, the more muscle you have, the more calories you burn, if you keep building the muscle.
Quatro- Hormones and such. I think there is a tendency for our bodies to go into shock. I lost 10 pounds in the first two weeks of January. I mentally freaked out and that probably had my body freaked out as well. More on this in a bit..
And Finally
5- Lying on my food entries. We had catering at work this whole week and partially last week. This is really hard in keeping track of what I'm eating. The places we order from don't offer nutritional facts, so I'm guessing on what's in the food, how much I'm taking, and trying not to go for the 3rd cookie from Blue Lemon (I stopped, really, I did). I think I did a lot better than last time, but I still slid here and there. I'm thinking next time I'll just bring my lunch. Then it won't get out of hand and I'll know what I'm eating. Included in this is me not being honest with myself. I ate a snack size thing of oreos. Did I put it in my journal? Heck no! Why? Because I don't want proof that I ate that. I don't want others to see that I ate that. Where is my will power? I remember being on weight watchers or something similar, and it was like I would almost get in trouble for eating certain things. I didn't want to get in trouble again. Matt just looks at it to see how I'm doing, to help me make better choices. I get in more trouble for not filling it out (stupid sumo squats) than I do for eating a cup of ice cream. I'm also going to start documenting how I feel when I'm eating, so we can track all of my emotional eating. yay.
So I came up with my reasonings and other excuses (?), but apparently that wasn't enough introspection for the week. Tuesday Matt could tell that I was frustrated. And I was, considerably. I thought that I was going to be at 299 this week, not back up to where I was the previous week. I had a lot riding on this. He gave me a much needed pep talk, but I kind of just sat there and nodded. If you haven't noticed yet, I don't take compliments well. It has a lot to do with my self esteem and self confidence. We'll psycho analyze that one later. I was worried that I was going to fail. Granted I've lost 75 pounds, more than when I had lap-band, but I was as the exact weight when I started gaining the weight back. Safe to say I was freaking out too. I still kind of am. It's the unknown. Yeah, I'm working out like crazy, watching what I eat, and doing so much better than I have ever done, but who's to say that next month I'm going to be back on the couch, eating a bag of peanut butter m&ms in one sitting. Deep down I know that will never be me again, but that fear to me right now is real.
I think Friday was my breakthrough. I had another session with Matt. We (I) did some new exercises that I hadn't ever done. And I sucked, well, initially. Who likes to toss medicine balls back and forth while in a lunge? Not me! Matt once again sensed my frustrations, really just told me to not be so mad, and encouraged me to keep going. I want to be at the point where it's challenging, but I'm still good at it! (PS I texted him later to see if we could do them again this week, to prove to myself that I am already better. Yes, it's a sickness and yes, I'm looking into getting help). We did measurements. I was down 15 pounds for the month of January, I lost another percent of body weight and a few inches here and there. After the work out we were sitting at his desk and he told one of the other trainers that I had lost 15 pounds and that I was not happy about it. It was true. I wanted more. I wanted 20, I wanted to be in 200s. I freaking deserved to be in the 200s. My butt had been kicked. I needed this win. I'm a numbers person. I can feel great, but I want that scale to have a freaking 2 at the beginning. Can you feel the frustration?
Friday night I knelt down to pray. I expressed my concerns to our Heavenly Father about my feelings of failure, wanting to give up (which I quickly squashed), and my overall frustrations. Here is what I know. I know that the feelings of failure and frustrations are true, but I also know that they are coming from Satan. Satan doesn't have a body. He craves to have us hate the thing that he doesn't have and something that he wants most. Even the most misshapen, disease ridden, obese body would be a blessing to him. Any discouragement that we feel is from him. He despises pure happiness and desires all to be miserable like him. I am genuinely thankful that I had this trial this week. It allowed me to refocus and to realized where these frustrations are coming from, what I can do to overcome them, and reminds me of all the support that I have, both in this world and beyond.
So that being said, I had a really good workout on Saturday, practiced some of my new exercises, and even did some stairs. Oh and I indulged with the most amazing facial ever. Congratulations to me! I also had Kayla hide my scale so I wasn't weighing myself 6 times a day, just to "see where I'm at". That wasn't helping one bit.
It's a new week. I rested today. We don't have catering coming into work. I have a good feeling about this. Thanks for sticking around :)
I would like to start out apologizing for the length of this post. I haven't finished typing it yet, but I have this feeling it's going to be epic. Just pour yourself some tea (herbal, natch) and settle in.
I would like to consider this week one of my break through weeks. If you have been following along, you would know that last Saturday I hit a big goal, down 75 pounds and feeling on top of the world. I went shopping, bought myself this skirt that I've had my eyes on for a while now. It is a 22.. it doesn't fit, but it's going to, and I'm going to wear it, and it's going to be hot!
Sunday I was up 2 pounds.
Tuesday I was up another 2 pounds.
Safe to say I was not a happy camper. AT. ALL.
I spent the week trying to wrap my hands around why this happened. I've come up with 5 reasons:
A- It's the weekend, who doesn't indulge a little.. truth. I ate a HUGE piece of Peanut Butter Cream Cheese pie from The Dodo. Yes, it was full of delicious, creamy, yummy goodness as it sounds. BUT, I noticed that being of large quantities of sweets for this past 5 months has changed my ability to handle so much. I was instantly sick after eating that piece of heaven. I know now that I can still eat sweets, but my body really can't handle it in the quantities that it used to, which is a good thing.
2- Water Weight: I'm really good at drinking water during the week. I'm at my desk, I have my water bottle that I drink out of continually throughout the day. Over the weekend I usually just stay at home and forget my water bottle, thus decreasing the amount of liquid that I add to my body. And really, water weight isn't excess water. It's when you're so dehydrated that your body doesn't want to get rid of anymore water, so it holds onto it, which isn't a good thing. Last words. DRINK WATER!
C- Muscle vs Fat: My body composition is slightly changing overtime. If you watch me through the day you'll notice me checking out my arms. It's a lot of fun. I may even let you touch my biceps. I love how my calves are shaping up and I can feel a difference with my "core" muscles. That said, I don't think the change is that drastic that it would stop my losing weight in 3 days. Plus, the more muscle you have, the more calories you burn, if you keep building the muscle.
Quatro- Hormones and such. I think there is a tendency for our bodies to go into shock. I lost 10 pounds in the first two weeks of January. I mentally freaked out and that probably had my body freaked out as well. More on this in a bit..
And Finally
5- Lying on my food entries. We had catering at work this whole week and partially last week. This is really hard in keeping track of what I'm eating. The places we order from don't offer nutritional facts, so I'm guessing on what's in the food, how much I'm taking, and trying not to go for the 3rd cookie from Blue Lemon (I stopped, really, I did). I think I did a lot better than last time, but I still slid here and there. I'm thinking next time I'll just bring my lunch. Then it won't get out of hand and I'll know what I'm eating. Included in this is me not being honest with myself. I ate a snack size thing of oreos. Did I put it in my journal? Heck no! Why? Because I don't want proof that I ate that. I don't want others to see that I ate that. Where is my will power? I remember being on weight watchers or something similar, and it was like I would almost get in trouble for eating certain things. I didn't want to get in trouble again. Matt just looks at it to see how I'm doing, to help me make better choices. I get in more trouble for not filling it out (stupid sumo squats) than I do for eating a cup of ice cream. I'm also going to start documenting how I feel when I'm eating, so we can track all of my emotional eating. yay.
So I came up with my reasonings and other excuses (?), but apparently that wasn't enough introspection for the week. Tuesday Matt could tell that I was frustrated. And I was, considerably. I thought that I was going to be at 299 this week, not back up to where I was the previous week. I had a lot riding on this. He gave me a much needed pep talk, but I kind of just sat there and nodded. If you haven't noticed yet, I don't take compliments well. It has a lot to do with my self esteem and self confidence. We'll psycho analyze that one later. I was worried that I was going to fail. Granted I've lost 75 pounds, more than when I had lap-band, but I was as the exact weight when I started gaining the weight back. Safe to say I was freaking out too. I still kind of am. It's the unknown. Yeah, I'm working out like crazy, watching what I eat, and doing so much better than I have ever done, but who's to say that next month I'm going to be back on the couch, eating a bag of peanut butter m&ms in one sitting. Deep down I know that will never be me again, but that fear to me right now is real.
I think Friday was my breakthrough. I had another session with Matt. We (I) did some new exercises that I hadn't ever done. And I sucked, well, initially. Who likes to toss medicine balls back and forth while in a lunge? Not me! Matt once again sensed my frustrations, really just told me to not be so mad, and encouraged me to keep going. I want to be at the point where it's challenging, but I'm still good at it! (PS I texted him later to see if we could do them again this week, to prove to myself that I am already better. Yes, it's a sickness and yes, I'm looking into getting help). We did measurements. I was down 15 pounds for the month of January, I lost another percent of body weight and a few inches here and there. After the work out we were sitting at his desk and he told one of the other trainers that I had lost 15 pounds and that I was not happy about it. It was true. I wanted more. I wanted 20, I wanted to be in 200s. I freaking deserved to be in the 200s. My butt had been kicked. I needed this win. I'm a numbers person. I can feel great, but I want that scale to have a freaking 2 at the beginning. Can you feel the frustration?
Friday night I knelt down to pray. I expressed my concerns to our Heavenly Father about my feelings of failure, wanting to give up (which I quickly squashed), and my overall frustrations. Here is what I know. I know that the feelings of failure and frustrations are true, but I also know that they are coming from Satan. Satan doesn't have a body. He craves to have us hate the thing that he doesn't have and something that he wants most. Even the most misshapen, disease ridden, obese body would be a blessing to him. Any discouragement that we feel is from him. He despises pure happiness and desires all to be miserable like him. I am genuinely thankful that I had this trial this week. It allowed me to refocus and to realized where these frustrations are coming from, what I can do to overcome them, and reminds me of all the support that I have, both in this world and beyond.
So that being said, I had a really good workout on Saturday, practiced some of my new exercises, and even did some stairs. Oh and I indulged with the most amazing facial ever. Congratulations to me! I also had Kayla hide my scale so I wasn't weighing myself 6 times a day, just to "see where I'm at". That wasn't helping one bit.
It's a new week. I rested today. We don't have catering coming into work. I have a good feeling about this. Thanks for sticking around :)
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