Today's a-ha moment

   After not a stellar morning, I met up with my sisters for lunch. We were seated in a booth. Janelle sat on one side and Katelyn on the other side. For about 3 seconds I mentally freaked out, "why did they do this? they know I'm not going to fit with either of them, I need my own side, this is going to be so embarassing!" I sat down, actually cringing inside, knowing that this was going to turn out horribly. But it didn't. Katelyn had room for her coat on her side and my coat was in between us. My stomach wasn't mashed up against the table and I was completely comfortable. I know this has been the case in prior outings, but somehow my brain hasn't realized that this is kind of permanent. I will never have to question whether or not I'm going to actually fit into a seat this way again. Such a relief. Now if I can just wrap my head around that and not freak out. Maybe I need to start going out more often so I can practice being thin in public places. Hahaha!

food, but not really comforting

I've been in a bit if a funk the last couple of days, still trying to put my finger on what exactly is causing it. My workouts have been less than ideal and my eating has been lacking. Today I really wanted a cheat meal for lunch, something that I didn't have to track, like a burger and fries. Something other than insert lean protein/veggie/carb mix. But, I had already brought my lunch to work. My co-worker encouraged me to be good and to stick with what I brought. I did and felt good about that decision. Two hours later I felt that I needed more comfort in the form of food. I went to my old friend chocolate. I ate a snack pack of lorna doones, oreos, and then a good cup of peanut m&ms. Consider that my binge for the day/week/month. The sad, but good thing, is that I realized it didn't comfort me. It actually made me sick, so I was worse than before. I was doing so well with my diet since the first of the year (a whole week!!). I even blogged about how preparing my meals kept me in line with my diet plan. Now I have to find something besides food to comfort me. Any ideas? What do you do? It was in the middle of the day so I couldn't leave work and go to the gym. And the candy/cookies are just steps away from my desk.


On a completely different side note: You know you've reached an all new level of crazy when you try on your gym clothes at night to make sure they fit right and "go together".

Donating my life

As I've shrunk out of clothes, I've been putting them in garbage bags and storing them in a closet. I had some good memories with those clothes. I kept telling myself that I was going to sell them, that I was going to make some money so I could buy new clothes. Now that I think of it, I was also holding onto the clothes because I wasn't sure I would stay thin and needed a back up just in case. I didn't want to have to buy the clothes all over again. And they were really cute too. Finally I was talking to someone and they just said, "Get rid of them!!" So that's what I did!

Ten garbage bags of clothes donated to the Road Home. I should have waited one more week because the radio stations were all there the week after I donated the clothes and were giving out prizes and the like. I had to make several trips to my car, but what's done is done!

Now to pay off my credit card so I can do some serious shopping when I get to my goal weight!!

Whole30

Starting February 1st I'm going to be a little crazy and doing the Whole30 challenge. Go here so read more:

http://whole9life.com/category/whole-30/

You're more than welcome to join, but this is more of warning that I may not be the nicest person for the first little bit.

I'm actually excited. I'm doing really well tracking my food for this month and then next month I get to throw all that away. No calorie tracking! I had a dream the other night of eating a big, juicy steak with olives and mushrooms. And eggs!!! Can't wait!! I'm also not allowed to weigh myself, at all, the entire month. That may be the most difficult thing to do. So yeah. you're welcome to join our little crazy journey ;)

Planning - go figure

I know that I've made a lot of posts about eating correctly and what not. This last week I've made a couple changes that I think will hopefully stick and help in the future. Matt has reminded me a lot in this journey that although I still continue to lose weight, the closer I get to my goal weight, the slower the weight will come off. Also, the fact that I'm still losing weight even though my diet has not been perfect.

I've been hit and miss the last 16 months in keeping my diet where it needs to be. As mentioned earlier, my goal is it have 55% carbohydrates, 30% protein and 15% fat. I've been really good the last week or so and have been able to have every day end up with those percentages, minus my cheat meal day. I actually know what I need to eat and am able to come up with different ideas for the next day. I plan my meals for the following day the night before and get everything together that I need to take to work.

Yesterday we had a lunch at work and I had ordered the salad, except that I forgot to say salad so I got the sandwich instead. I just ate the turkey and avocado and then went and got a salad from the food court downstairs after the meeting. It turned out okay after all. The funny thing is now that I'm not eating tons of junk food I have a HARD time reaching the 15% fat. I can actually add almond butter into my diet to cover this and not feel guilty! I'm also thinking of getting the 2% Fage and Lowfat milk instead of non fat. Good fat is good, bad fat is bad. imagine that.

If you're on myfitnesspal then you should add me. My username is egordon81. I would like to be your friend.

The planning of meals, even just the night before, has allowed me to be consistant in my eating and making sure I get the right nutrients in to keep my body going. It's turned into a fun math game at night, trying to get the percentages to line up. I'm a nerd, so I like that sort of thing.

What's your go to meal? Snack? Indulgence? Do you plan your meals? If so, do you do the night before, or do you cook for the whole week? Any other suggestions?

That one time I almost thought of becoming bulimic

I came into work a few days ago and there were some pastries in the breakroom. I hadn't planned breakfast and it had been so long since I had a danish. I took two back to my desk. It was morning and I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink, so those who know me, know that I had a hard time eating these right away as a result of my lap-band surgery a few years ago.

Anyway, I hid the pastries on the way back to my desk. As soon as I got there I shoveled them in. Oh they tasted so good for about 2 minutes. Then they just sat there in my stomach like a lump of clay, not going anywhere. I was miserable.

I ended up going to the bathroom and throwing them up, just to relieve the pain. For a split second the thought entered my mind that this could be a way around not having to control my sweet tooth! I can binge all I want on cakes, cookies, pastries, the sky was the limit!!!! That lasted all of 30 seconds. Then the realization set in. Erin, that is so dumb. You know how dangerous bulemia is. You studied it so many times in high school and college. You're not denying yourself these things now, you just have to manage your portions.

I was actually worried that I may relapse and actually try bulemia so I told Emily and Matt my thoughts so that they could reinforce and see any warning signs in the future. They both confirmed how stupid that would be for me. I'm glad I can count on them to have my back!

Losing weight is hard. I have the exercise down, no problem. Managing my diet has been my biggest challenge since day one. Knowing what I need to eat to be healthier, have more energy, and survive the day has been the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around. Eating large amounts of sugary, bad carb loaded food and then forcing my body to get rid of it will only cause further damage to my body and deny myself the nutrients that I need to suceed.

If you are struggling with an eating disorder of any kind, please know that I am here for you and I will try to help you as much as possible.

The Biggest Loser

So this time last year a season of The Biggest Loser started and I actually watched the entire season. Let's just say I had similar interests with the partipants. I was blown away by how much weight they lost and was so jealous that I wasn't there, that I had to work on my own and figure things out for myself. They had it so easy! They went there, had trainers work with them, their whole day was centered around working out and eating healthy.

Fast forward to last night. I was watching the first hour of the show. I was touched by a few of the stories and how it played out. I was in a lot of their shoes 16 months ago, completely at a loss as to what I was going to to do. I was mad that I had let myself get to where I was. But I knew that it was only up to me to make the changes that I needed.

Last night I was watching the participants work with the trainers and I knew exactly what they were going through. They were running on the first day! I was winded after 5 minutes on the elliptical. They were on the rower, doing squats, kettle bell throws, resistance band running, and a whole lot more. They had Jillian, Dolvett, and Bob yelling at them. No wonder most of them were in tears. I would have wanted to give up too! I was so happy that that wasn't me! I know the hard work that it takes to do those exercises now. It makes me more thankful for the patience and motivation that I received from Matt while training and the encouragement from others all around me. I know the commitment and dedication that it takes to make permanent changes.

There was once girl who left halfway through the first week. She was initally happy to be on TBL, but then realized that mentally and emotionally she wasn't ready for the changes that were in store for her. It really does matter if you are ready. You have to want it. You can do it for others at first and you may be successful, but if you are not in it for you, that success will not last. At least that's what my experience shows.

I was floored when at the weigh-in people were losing 15 - 30 pounds in that first week. I remember last year I was so frustrated because they were losing those numbers in a week and I wasn't even close to losing that in a month. I was discussing that with a friend last night and he reminded me how unhealthy it is to lose so much weight so quickly. And then found that a lot of the participants did gain their weight back.

I'm glad I'm doing this the way I am. It would have been fun (?) to be on The Biggest Loser, but I know that what I'm doing is for me and it is a lifestyle change. I have been able to take the time that I need to figure things out mentally, emotionally and physically. I still have some barriers that I need to get over, but this process is definitely helping me accomplish that.

I'm going to continue watching The Biggest Loser and cheer them on. But I'm not going to let their results shadow my own. I'm not going to compare what their doing with what I'm doing. Maybe I'll learn a few things, maybe I'll see some exercises that I want to try, but that's about it.