Light week

So it seems that June was a big month for me. I did Dirty Dash, ran Ragnar, and completed the Spartan Beast. I really didn't rest in between the different activities (I went to boot camp the day after ragnar) and was starting to feel a bit burned out and more sore than usual. I was tired, I was moody, and I thought about throwing in the towel more than once. After hearing me complain quite a few people suggested that I take a little time off from that whole crazy working out thing. How does one going about this without going crazy?? Usually when I go on vacation I freak out that I won't be able to work out every day. But there are a lot of things with which I was able to fill my time. I informed KC of my workout plan for the week so that he could hold me accountable (and he did).

So my usual workout week looks like this:

Monday - LEGS (strength training)

Tuesday - Boot Camp

Wednesday - BodyPump/BodyCombat

Thursday - Upper Body (Strength Training)

Friday - Cardio (3-5 mile run)

Saturday - Boot Camp

Sunday - Rest day

My modified week:

Monday - 3 mile run

Tuesday - Boot Camp

Wednesday - Rest

Thursday - 3 mile run

Friday - Rest

Saturday - boot camp

Sunday - rest 

It's now Sunday evening. I feel completely rested, and, minus a strained hamstring from the previous week, there's not a single pain in my body. I'm really looking forward to being back and the gym and working out again. With training/preparing/recovering from Ragnar and Spartan, I haven't done a proper leg day in almost a month. I wish I could reserve the squat rack for tomorrow.  I'm so thankful for everyone who was looking out for me and wanting me to take care of myself when I couldn't see that I needed a break. It's all about being balanced :)

Another eating post

During whole30 you're not supposed to track what you eat. This was one of the big selling factors for when I did the program. But then it was really hard for me to get back on track afterwards. I would just try to mentally take note of what I was eating. That never really worked. I found myself eating more and more of the things that I had gone without for so long. There were too many binges that I had to account for. And I really wasn't being honest with myself.

I decided once and for all that I needed to get back to tracking what I eat so I can be more accountable. I have the whole workout thing down. I know what I need to do when I need to do it. But I have always struggled with my diet.

Last Sunday I meal prepped (which I should be doing right now too). I grilled a ton of chicken, made a couple recipes, and cut up some veggies so they could be used when needed. It made eating according to plan that much easier this week. I have given myself a cut off of 1700 calories. I don't necessarily have to get there (I would like to stay closer to 1500-1600), but it gives me some room if I need it. With the 1700 calories we're trying something different this time. 40% of my calories should come from carbohydrates and protein each with the remaining 20% coming from fat. Myfitnesspal.com is great this way because it calculates it perfectly for you (if you put the right foods in) and then, if you have the app it comes up with a fancy pie chart that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy

Perfect Eating Diagram

Then one day you'll get this GREAT idea that you deserve a cheat day/meal. Actually, Friday was going really well until 2:00pm and then everything just died. One thing about a cheat meal is that you probably shouldn't document everything that you're eating. But if you happen to be in a "we're documenting everything that we" competition then you kind of have to. And that disaster looks like this

So many carbs, and not the good kind

I won't share with you all the details of this day, but it was bad. I'm actually glad that I documented my cheat day, bite for bite, because I've never been that honest with what I eat on my bad days. I would lie to myself that I didn't eat a whole sleeve of oreos, or the extra handful of m&ms. I remember back in the day how my Friday nights consisted of a DiGiorno's pizza and a pint of Ben & Jerry's. That would easily be 3000 calories in one meal. (hint, my day wasn't THAT bad). So I made a few bad choices, but I was back on track the next day, worked out hard, and we're not going to talk about it again. That's the reason for a cheat meal. New emphasis on meal.. not day.

And today is day 7 back on myfitnesspal. Are you on it? Do you use it regularly? It only works if you're honest with what you're eating. Stupid honesty.

Dirty Dash

Dirty Dash was at the beginning of the month (June 8th). I've done this race before so I knew what to expect. There is a 5K option and a 10K option. Of course we chose the 10K option (naturally). There were about 15ish obstacles. I'm a little fuzzy on the details right now since it's been a few weeks, but I had a lot of fun and was able to finish it in a good time. Lets see, there were muddy water pits that we would wade through and then climb up over mud hills back into the muddy water. We climbed over 6' walls, crawled on our hands and knees through large PVC pipes. There were monkey bars, but I couldn't do them. There were cargo net climbs, up and over, there was another pit with waist high muddy water with 8 or so 12" wide PVC pipes that you had to climb over. It's hard to remember all the different obstacles, but we had a lot of fun! KC actually did the race with me this time, pushing me, cheering me on, and making me run when I didn't want to. I think I beat my time from September. I ran a lot more this time than I did in the last. I'm registered for the next one September 14th.

We were so clean! Me, KC, Sarah, and Shauna. 

This was in the new obstacle for the year. It was an inflated "house" that had inflated tube that you needed to roll over. There was tons of mud and foam (can you tell). My bib number was getting caught on everything so I was really concerned.

They had the inflatable slides down one of the larger hills. This was the 2nd to last obstacle. I picked the best slide (there were 6, all attached). Last year I got caught half way and had to scoot the rest of the way down. This time and I got a good running start and I slid all the way down.. and didn't stop. I hit the hay at the end and did a backwards somersault. It was great fun!

Final shot. Lots of mud, lots of fun.

Comparing and competing

Wow, I'm a horrible blogger. I have so much catching up to do! I'll start working on that...I needed to add to the post that I made a few weeks ago on Facebook.

Two years ago I was the most miserable I had ever been. My family was on the beach in Florida and I was dying. We were walking distance away from the beach, but that walk included 6 flights of stairs. Getting to the beach was fine, but as we would prepare to go home I would panic about getting up all the stairs. It took the fun out of being at the beach.

Anyway, this June I was doing RAGNAR (198 mile relay run through the Wasatch mountains) and I was getting down on myself. The rest of my van had pretty intense runs, up and down canyons, long distances, etc. I was the slowest, had the least amount of miles, and the least degree of difficulty. But then I took a minute to realize where I was coming from. I knew that the beach picture was taken in June 2011.. somewhere around the time I was running. It wasn't until I was able to get home that I put the dates together that I realized it had be EXACTLY 2 years. I felt a lot better about my performance during Ragnar, the fact that I actually did Ragnar and survived, and that I had overcome where I had been.

I've had a couple more experiences with competing and comparing myself with others before this happened and afterwards. I'm still working on not comparing myself to others. It's a daily challenge. Nobody is perfect. 

So my new goal is to work on me, to reach the goals that I set for myself. Here's to not worrying that person X just lapped me, or jealous that person Y's hair just flows so effortlessly. Maybe person X is a trained sprinter and you know what? Maybe person Y has a really top of the line wig. Who knows. But I spend more time making myself better than dwelling on the things that I don't have. I'm going to celebrate going 4 days without chocolate. And next time, maybe I'll beat my weightlifting PRs. 

Some people call me crazy.

I had one of the best workouts to date last night. I planned it the night before and I was so excited to get to the gym and try it out. Go ahead and roll your eyes. It was Ah-MAYZ-ing.

A few items of business before we go into detail. I hate the stairmaster. I don't know what it is, but I dread it. But I have felt that I've been in somewhat of a rut the last few weeks so I needed to change things up. I needed to get out of my own comfort zone and do things on my own, without a trainer standing there and telling me what to do.
See for yourself:
Warm up - 5 minutes Stairmaster (60steps/minute)
Round 1 - 3 sets of 15 rotation
Wall sit with a medicine ball (20lb, christianed "The Erin Ball") raise

Lift that up over your head. I'll admit, I didn't keep my arms straight the whole time.

 Wall sit with medicine ball twist


Anna needs to work on her wall sit (90 degrees there, champ!). 15 touches on each side.



Leg lifts

3:00min Stairmaster (70spm/75spm/80spm)

If you have to hold on to the machine you're going to fast. Slow down and work on your form. It also engages your core so you're burning more calories and not hurting your back being all hunched over.

Round 2 - 3 rotations of 15 reps
Bicep curls

Skull Crushers

Push-ups

I did the push-ups right next to my bench in the free weight section. This was a big break through for me and my insecurities. I was hesitant at first, but then I just told myself to get over it. It was awesome!

Round 3, again, 3 rotations of sets of 15
Back extensions

First set: No weight, Second set: 10lb across chest (like picture), Third set: holding weight behind head

Side extensions

First set: no weight, Second set: holding 25lb plate, touching ground, Third set: Holding 25lb plate and then touching opposite elbow and knee

Sit ups

Each set holding a 10lb plate overhead

Knee tucks

Jump rope

First/Second set: 50 jumps, Third set: 100, just to prove to myself that I could

And then the endorphins rushed in and I stopped at the park for a nice 1.5 mile jog to finish it all off. This would never have happened 2 years ago. All in all it was about a 2 hour workout, but it felt amazing and I was so stoked that I was able to put myself through such an intense workout. Can't wait to see what I come up with for my prospective clients!!!

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth

As long time readers of this blog can attest to, I seldom keep things to myself. This is more of a journal for me than anything, where I can come and write down my thoughts. So here goes.

The last two weeks have been horrible. I successfully completely the Whole30 and was feeling on top of the world. I thought that I had everything under control and I was going to only improve. I was so wrong.

You're supposed to reintroduce foods into your diet slowly after you finish the Whole30. I learned about this a few day prior to completion. I didn't have the energy to figure out the reintroduction schedule and I already had plans. That might have not been the best idea.


I have been physically ill the last 2 weeks from all the crap that I've been eating. It's nothing like what I was eating prior to when I started out, but it's so different from what I'm used to, especially eating from Whole30. It started out with the candy closet at work. I tried a piece of chocolate to see how I felt. It didn't taste really good and it didn't fill any particular void. But then I would try some more.. you know, just for accuracy. Then I was back to eating a handful of peanut m&ms here, and some trail mix there, a candy bar here (snack size) and some more chocolate there. Add that to the additional carb binge (granola, bread, cereal) and I'm right back to where I started. I haven't weighed myself since my weigh in at the end of Whole30. I feel like I've gained back everything that I worked so hard to lose


There's an excerpt from the companion book to Whole30 "It Starts with Food". It really hit me:

In addition, creating healthy dietary habits isn't just about restricting or eliminating certain foods. You already know that fast food, junk food, and sweets aren't good for you. You know you shouldn't eat them if you want to lose weight, get off your medication, or be healthier.
Yet you continue to eat them.
You struggle with food cravings, bad habits, compulsions, and addictions. You know you shouldn't, but you feel compelled to eat these foods. Sometimes, you don't even want them, but you eat them anyway. And you have a hard time stopping. All of which makes you feel guilty and stressed -- and more likely to comfort yourself with even more unhealthy food.
We're here to tell you:
It's not your fault.
You are not lacking willpower. You are not lazy. and it's not your fault that you can't stop eating these foods.

It then goes on and explains why, etc.It's a great book, even if you're not going to do the Whole30, it has some great information in it.

And then when I'm not on my game 100% I feel like a hypocrite to everyone encouraging me and supporting me and that I'm letting everyone down. I know that (for the most part) isn't the case, but it's the mentality with which I struggle. I discussed this with a few people. Basically what has come from it is that I'm doing this for me. If I want to quit now then I can quit now. People are just happy with what I've been able to do thus far and I should be too. But ultimately I started this for me and I need to continue to do this for me. I'm so lucky to have the support of so many. I think I'm just kind of tired. I've been going strong for 18 months. The last few months have been more challenging than those of the past, more mentally than physically.  I'm still at the gym 5-6 days a week, but my workouts haven't really been what they were in the past. I'm not pushing myself as hard as I was. I guess it's a good thing I signed up for RAGNAR, something to focus on and get me training. Now I just have to stick with that. It's time to just refocus and get moving again.

Alright.. enough of a pity party, I just needed to get that off my chest. Here we go, back at it! Today is a new day, a new week, maybe not so much a new month, but you don't have to wait until then to recommit.

Whole30 part deux

Some of this was already covered in the previous post, but I'm too tired to go through and edit. That just means it's extra important.

So it's been a few days back on "normal" food. You're supposed to re-introduce foods slowly. For instance, have 2 or 3 servings of dairy the first day and another serving or 2 the 2nd day, see how your body reacts and go back on the Whole30 regimen for a few days. Then reintroduce grains without the dairy.. etc.. then add them both.. Yeah.. I didn't do that. My stomach hasn't been a big fan of being filled with things it hasn't had in the last month. 

I have noticed a lot of things though the last couple of days. I felt uncomfortably full and bloated after my normal oatmeal and yogurt on Monday (combining the dairy and grains and sugar). That was my go to breakfast for ages. I'll probably stick with some sort of egg dish here on out. It's easy to prepare for a week and make it a grab 'n go. Plus it kept me full longer (and more protein!).

Carrageenan is in everything. This is one of the additives that Whole30 tells you to stay away from. I've gotten used to checking the labels on all the processed foods. I found it in my "healthy" yogurt dressing, some soy milk, and my beloved Nesquik! I haven't read up on why it's on the do not consume list, but I'm sure they have their reasons. It's amazing to me all the things that get added into some items. I bought the wrong almond butter the other day, Almond Naturally More.. ingredients include almonds (good), soy protein (why), flax seed (okay), Evaporated can juice (sugar), canola oil (why), salt, and molasses. So random. Just get the regular almond butter. OH well. 

Yesterday for lunch I got a free drink with my order. I was scared to even try the diet coke because I haven't had any caffeine   for the whole month. I went for the Light minute maid and added a bit of sprite to make it bubbly. I was only able to take a few sips before I threw it out. It was so over sweet. I also tested out the candy room and quickly realized that I didn't need all the sugar. I do understand that if I continually "try out the candy room" then those taste buds will change and I'll be addicted once more. I just need to remember that. I was totally fine without the sugar during the whole30. I really didn't crave it and as long as it wasn't staring me in the face I didn't feel like I was missing out. 

I also realized that when I was eating the GOOD food I felt fuller, longer, and just overall healthier and more energy. Yesterday I had soup and salad, which really isn't a big deal. I'm sure the turkey had some additives and the bacon may not have been nitrate free. I have no idea what all the ingredients were in the soup (asparagus, made with sour cream), plus a slice of bread (honey wheat) and a sugar cookie (just to test my theory). Comparing how I felt after eating that to how i felt just after eating my "clean, whole30 approved" curry is shocking. Seriously. It's crazy to me. I have already noticed difficulty in my sleeping in just the 3 days I've been off. So I'm going to try doing a mostly Paleo/Whole30 diet and allow for social events without getting stressed out. 

Another benefit of eating better - weight loss. And not just weight, but inches and body fat. I have been struggling the last few months. This month I lost more weight, more inches, and more body fat than the last 4 months (no joke). There is something to be said for eating cleanly.

I also ordered the book "It Starts With Food" today from Amazon. The authors of the book are the developers and Whole30 extraordinaires. I guess since I've already completed it, I should probably read up on what I just did. It will also help me in my continuation and any future Whole30s that I may do.

So that's it. I'm starting to figure this whole diet thing out and my relationship to food.. just 18 months, no biggie.

Whole30

I need to write this down before I totally space it and forget all my thoughts. It's going to be a lot of reading.. so you've been warned.

So back in December Matt told me he was doing Whole30 for February (which would only be 28 days) and told me I could do it too if I wanted. I agreed to it without really knowing the details.  I looked at the website and automatically thought, "WHAT IN THE WORLD DID I JUST AGREE TO??"

Visit here and you'll understand: the-whole30-program

I read No Sugar, No Grains, No Beans, No Dairy. First, I have oatmeal and yogurt every day. That is my go-to breakfast. No sugar?? Of any kind?? No substitutes? No honey? Craziness!!

So I started counting down until go time, still freaking out, but in a way, excited for the challenge. I did a search for "compliant" recipes, stocked up on my coconut, sweet potatoes, and chicken, and jumped in.

The first day was solid. I can totally do this! They actually have a time frame of what and how you'll feel while you're doing this and it's pretty accurate. Days 2 and 3 are called the "Hangover" stage. You're getting rid of all the toxins and sugar that have been building up in your system. I definitely had a headache (not really sure if it is comparable to a hangover headache, but we'll just say yes). Days 4-5 were a lull; I still felt good about the situation, but I didn't have a  lot of energy. This probably lasted a few extra days, but I can say by day 8 I was bouncing off the walls. Seriously. It felt so great! I made it through all of my workouts. I didn't feel the need to nap at work. I slept like a baby and it was great! And then the crazy dreams started, as they said they would. I dreamt of corn dogs, twinkies, mozzarella sticks, and trying to order Chinese. So random! I can't remember the last time I had any of those foods. This lasted until the last week.

The last week was brutal. I got in my head too much. I just wanted it to be over. I survived the 3 weeks. I proved to myself that I could do it. The prep work was getting a little too much. But I managed through it and successfully complete my first Whole30

At 12:01am Sunday, March 3rd, I broke open a pint of ice cream and indulged (probably a little too much).

I would say the hardest part was trying to be social during this process. It's hard going to restaurants and trying to figure out what is allowed. You basically have to ask how everything is prepared, what oil is used, added ingredients into the sauces, how the meat was processed, any extra marinades. I declined most invites and the ones I did go to were still difficult. I would always get asked "why?", especially when I said the no sugar part.

A part of my job is helping with our education programs. We have program running right now 2 of the 4 weeks every month. This means catered breakfast and lunch, plus snacks and a whole candy table. I am setting out the food for the participants and restocking the candy jars and soda cart throughout the day. The first week of program was hard, but by the second I wasn't really tempted. I had my food (that I knew was delicious) and program would be going on next month. I finally got over the "I'm missing out" mentality.

I think I've always had a problem with the "I'm missing out" mentality. If I don't have it now, I'll never have it again!! (I know this isn't correct, food will always be there.) I was able to make that mental change. I'm not really missing out. I'm strengthening my resolve to be better, kinder to my body, to nourish it, and to make the right food choices.

I also realized that I didn't need sugar in my life. Granted, I'm not going to go without sugar the rest of my life, but I know that I don't have to eat a bag of twix bars in one sitting. I can take a bite or two of ice cream and be okay. I know this mentally, I just have to put it into action now. I think there may be  a little more talking to myself in the future, don't judge.

What did I miss for the WHOLE 30 DAYS?? Gum!!! Seriously, just gum. Everything else was bearable. Sheesh.

I was also able to spend more time looking at labels and seeing what was actually in the food that I was eating. I noticed there are a bunch of added ingredients that we don't necessarily need. Before I started I was concerned with calories and fat grams. I would choose the light or fat free options because I thought they would be healthier. But when you compare the labels of a "diet" product with the regular product, you really aren't getting a better version. It may save you a few calories, but in the long run, it's probably better for you to eat the full fat option (in my opinion, depending on what it is).

Also, I wasn't able to weigh myself or do any measurements. They want you to focus on making healthy choices and getting rid of the additives in your system and not using it as just a weight loss tactic. I'm doing measurements tomorrow (which probably isn't the best after what I ate today) so we'll see how the month went.

I probably could have done better with my consumption of almond butter and Lara Bars. I realized that I used these as my crutch when I felt a sugar need, or left out, or bored, or when I noticed I was emotionally eating. I have actually been able to make great strides in recognizing my eating out of boredom or due to emotions. I can definitely tell the difference now from 2 years ago. And the Whole30 just added more focus to that.

Overall, it was a great experience and has given more to think about where I want to go from here, how to modify it into something that I can maintain. A lot of people encouraged me throughout the process, many impressed with the commitment. I would suggest that everyone try it, at least once. It's a great feeling to know that you just killed 30 days of clean eating. Do it!

Today's a-ha moment

   After not a stellar morning, I met up with my sisters for lunch. We were seated in a booth. Janelle sat on one side and Katelyn on the other side. For about 3 seconds I mentally freaked out, "why did they do this? they know I'm not going to fit with either of them, I need my own side, this is going to be so embarassing!" I sat down, actually cringing inside, knowing that this was going to turn out horribly. But it didn't. Katelyn had room for her coat on her side and my coat was in between us. My stomach wasn't mashed up against the table and I was completely comfortable. I know this has been the case in prior outings, but somehow my brain hasn't realized that this is kind of permanent. I will never have to question whether or not I'm going to actually fit into a seat this way again. Such a relief. Now if I can just wrap my head around that and not freak out. Maybe I need to start going out more often so I can practice being thin in public places. Hahaha!

food, but not really comforting

I've been in a bit if a funk the last couple of days, still trying to put my finger on what exactly is causing it. My workouts have been less than ideal and my eating has been lacking. Today I really wanted a cheat meal for lunch, something that I didn't have to track, like a burger and fries. Something other than insert lean protein/veggie/carb mix. But, I had already brought my lunch to work. My co-worker encouraged me to be good and to stick with what I brought. I did and felt good about that decision. Two hours later I felt that I needed more comfort in the form of food. I went to my old friend chocolate. I ate a snack pack of lorna doones, oreos, and then a good cup of peanut m&ms. Consider that my binge for the day/week/month. The sad, but good thing, is that I realized it didn't comfort me. It actually made me sick, so I was worse than before. I was doing so well with my diet since the first of the year (a whole week!!). I even blogged about how preparing my meals kept me in line with my diet plan. Now I have to find something besides food to comfort me. Any ideas? What do you do? It was in the middle of the day so I couldn't leave work and go to the gym. And the candy/cookies are just steps away from my desk.


On a completely different side note: You know you've reached an all new level of crazy when you try on your gym clothes at night to make sure they fit right and "go together".

Donating my life

As I've shrunk out of clothes, I've been putting them in garbage bags and storing them in a closet. I had some good memories with those clothes. I kept telling myself that I was going to sell them, that I was going to make some money so I could buy new clothes. Now that I think of it, I was also holding onto the clothes because I wasn't sure I would stay thin and needed a back up just in case. I didn't want to have to buy the clothes all over again. And they were really cute too. Finally I was talking to someone and they just said, "Get rid of them!!" So that's what I did!

Ten garbage bags of clothes donated to the Road Home. I should have waited one more week because the radio stations were all there the week after I donated the clothes and were giving out prizes and the like. I had to make several trips to my car, but what's done is done!

Now to pay off my credit card so I can do some serious shopping when I get to my goal weight!!

Whole30

Starting February 1st I'm going to be a little crazy and doing the Whole30 challenge. Go here so read more:

http://whole9life.com/category/whole-30/

You're more than welcome to join, but this is more of warning that I may not be the nicest person for the first little bit.

I'm actually excited. I'm doing really well tracking my food for this month and then next month I get to throw all that away. No calorie tracking! I had a dream the other night of eating a big, juicy steak with olives and mushrooms. And eggs!!! Can't wait!! I'm also not allowed to weigh myself, at all, the entire month. That may be the most difficult thing to do. So yeah. you're welcome to join our little crazy journey ;)

Planning - go figure

I know that I've made a lot of posts about eating correctly and what not. This last week I've made a couple changes that I think will hopefully stick and help in the future. Matt has reminded me a lot in this journey that although I still continue to lose weight, the closer I get to my goal weight, the slower the weight will come off. Also, the fact that I'm still losing weight even though my diet has not been perfect.

I've been hit and miss the last 16 months in keeping my diet where it needs to be. As mentioned earlier, my goal is it have 55% carbohydrates, 30% protein and 15% fat. I've been really good the last week or so and have been able to have every day end up with those percentages, minus my cheat meal day. I actually know what I need to eat and am able to come up with different ideas for the next day. I plan my meals for the following day the night before and get everything together that I need to take to work.

Yesterday we had a lunch at work and I had ordered the salad, except that I forgot to say salad so I got the sandwich instead. I just ate the turkey and avocado and then went and got a salad from the food court downstairs after the meeting. It turned out okay after all. The funny thing is now that I'm not eating tons of junk food I have a HARD time reaching the 15% fat. I can actually add almond butter into my diet to cover this and not feel guilty! I'm also thinking of getting the 2% Fage and Lowfat milk instead of non fat. Good fat is good, bad fat is bad. imagine that.

If you're on myfitnesspal then you should add me. My username is egordon81. I would like to be your friend.

The planning of meals, even just the night before, has allowed me to be consistant in my eating and making sure I get the right nutrients in to keep my body going. It's turned into a fun math game at night, trying to get the percentages to line up. I'm a nerd, so I like that sort of thing.

What's your go to meal? Snack? Indulgence? Do you plan your meals? If so, do you do the night before, or do you cook for the whole week? Any other suggestions?

That one time I almost thought of becoming bulimic

I came into work a few days ago and there were some pastries in the breakroom. I hadn't planned breakfast and it had been so long since I had a danish. I took two back to my desk. It was morning and I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink, so those who know me, know that I had a hard time eating these right away as a result of my lap-band surgery a few years ago.

Anyway, I hid the pastries on the way back to my desk. As soon as I got there I shoveled them in. Oh they tasted so good for about 2 minutes. Then they just sat there in my stomach like a lump of clay, not going anywhere. I was miserable.

I ended up going to the bathroom and throwing them up, just to relieve the pain. For a split second the thought entered my mind that this could be a way around not having to control my sweet tooth! I can binge all I want on cakes, cookies, pastries, the sky was the limit!!!! That lasted all of 30 seconds. Then the realization set in. Erin, that is so dumb. You know how dangerous bulemia is. You studied it so many times in high school and college. You're not denying yourself these things now, you just have to manage your portions.

I was actually worried that I may relapse and actually try bulemia so I told Emily and Matt my thoughts so that they could reinforce and see any warning signs in the future. They both confirmed how stupid that would be for me. I'm glad I can count on them to have my back!

Losing weight is hard. I have the exercise down, no problem. Managing my diet has been my biggest challenge since day one. Knowing what I need to eat to be healthier, have more energy, and survive the day has been the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around. Eating large amounts of sugary, bad carb loaded food and then forcing my body to get rid of it will only cause further damage to my body and deny myself the nutrients that I need to suceed.

If you are struggling with an eating disorder of any kind, please know that I am here for you and I will try to help you as much as possible.

The Biggest Loser

So this time last year a season of The Biggest Loser started and I actually watched the entire season. Let's just say I had similar interests with the partipants. I was blown away by how much weight they lost and was so jealous that I wasn't there, that I had to work on my own and figure things out for myself. They had it so easy! They went there, had trainers work with them, their whole day was centered around working out and eating healthy.

Fast forward to last night. I was watching the first hour of the show. I was touched by a few of the stories and how it played out. I was in a lot of their shoes 16 months ago, completely at a loss as to what I was going to to do. I was mad that I had let myself get to where I was. But I knew that it was only up to me to make the changes that I needed.

Last night I was watching the participants work with the trainers and I knew exactly what they were going through. They were running on the first day! I was winded after 5 minutes on the elliptical. They were on the rower, doing squats, kettle bell throws, resistance band running, and a whole lot more. They had Jillian, Dolvett, and Bob yelling at them. No wonder most of them were in tears. I would have wanted to give up too! I was so happy that that wasn't me! I know the hard work that it takes to do those exercises now. It makes me more thankful for the patience and motivation that I received from Matt while training and the encouragement from others all around me. I know the commitment and dedication that it takes to make permanent changes.

There was once girl who left halfway through the first week. She was initally happy to be on TBL, but then realized that mentally and emotionally she wasn't ready for the changes that were in store for her. It really does matter if you are ready. You have to want it. You can do it for others at first and you may be successful, but if you are not in it for you, that success will not last. At least that's what my experience shows.

I was floored when at the weigh-in people were losing 15 - 30 pounds in that first week. I remember last year I was so frustrated because they were losing those numbers in a week and I wasn't even close to losing that in a month. I was discussing that with a friend last night and he reminded me how unhealthy it is to lose so much weight so quickly. And then found that a lot of the participants did gain their weight back.

I'm glad I'm doing this the way I am. It would have been fun (?) to be on The Biggest Loser, but I know that what I'm doing is for me and it is a lifestyle change. I have been able to take the time that I need to figure things out mentally, emotionally and physically. I still have some barriers that I need to get over, but this process is definitely helping me accomplish that.

I'm going to continue watching The Biggest Loser and cheer them on. But I'm not going to let their results shadow my own. I'm not going to compare what their doing with what I'm doing. Maybe I'll learn a few things, maybe I'll see some exercises that I want to try, but that's about it.