I came into work a few days ago and there were some pastries in the breakroom. I hadn't planned breakfast and it had been so long since I had a danish. I took two back to my desk. It was morning and I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink, so those who know me, know that I had a hard time eating these right away as a result of my lap-band surgery a few years ago.
Anyway, I hid the pastries on the way back to my desk. As soon as I got there I shoveled them in. Oh they tasted so good for about 2 minutes. Then they just sat there in my stomach like a lump of clay, not going anywhere. I was miserable.
I ended up going to the bathroom and throwing them up, just to relieve the pain. For a split second the thought entered my mind that this could be a way around not having to control my sweet tooth! I can binge all I want on cakes, cookies, pastries, the sky was the limit!!!! That lasted all of 30 seconds. Then the realization set in. Erin, that is so dumb. You know how dangerous bulemia is. You studied it so many times in high school and college. You're not denying yourself these things now, you just have to manage your portions.
I was actually worried that I may relapse and actually try bulemia so I told Emily and Matt my thoughts so that they could reinforce and see any warning signs in the future. They both confirmed how stupid that would be for me. I'm glad I can count on them to have my back!
Losing weight is hard. I have the exercise down, no problem. Managing my diet has been my biggest challenge since day one. Knowing what I need to eat to be healthier, have more energy, and survive the day has been the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around. Eating large amounts of sugary, bad carb loaded food and then forcing my body to get rid of it will only cause further damage to my body and deny myself the nutrients that I need to suceed.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder of any kind, please know that I am here for you and I will try to help you as much as possible.
1 comment:
Bulimia always reminds me of a made-for-tv movie we watched in my Foods class in high school. (I guess we had a sub or something?) It's about an Olympic hopeful who also has an eating disorder. And then she gets pregnant, and I still remember the scene where she was admitting her problem to someone and said that she would eat a meal, and then carrots, and then binge so that she would know when she threw up the carrots to stop so there'd be food for the baby. I don't recall it being a particularly good movie, but I guess it really made an impression on me how entrenched those problems can become. So I guess what I'm saying is, don't start.
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