Disappointment strikes

So I had a really bad day at work yesterday. It seems that everything I do is wrong. We have a lecture series starting on Tuesday and it's my first time doing it. I was trained for about 20 minutes on what I was supposed to do.. about 6 weeks ago. And I'm apparently supposed to ask questions if I don't know what to do or how to do it. But if I don't know what I'm supposed to do then how am I going to ask questions. I may have cried a few times at my desk.

Yesterday I really wanted to lift weights so that I could get that pent up anger/energy. But I had a training session on Thursday and one this morning. I asked the trainer dude at the front desk if he had any ideas what I could do, saving my muscle strength for today. He didn't know what my trainer had in mind (which is a good excuse) so he really wasn't any help. He suggested the row machine, but that really wasn't what I was looking for. I started on the bike and did 35 minutes. I had to push myself so hard this time. It was depressing. I decided to walk on the treadmill. I put the incline and speed up and quickly lost my breath. So I put it back down. I almost tried jogging, but I didn't want to make a fool out of myself.. or kill the machine (there is a weight limit). I stuck it out for 15ish minutes and then thought I'd finish up on the row machine. It was actually harder then I thought it would be, but I didn't get that sense of satisfaction that I had a good workout. It kind of sucked all the way around. I didn't even stay around to stretch, I just got home as soon as I could.

I scheduled another session for me this morning. I usually just do Tuesdays and Thursdays, but for some reason I thought another session today would be good. We did an arm burnout. I'm surprised I can type. It was good. I pushed myself until my arms couldn't move. I did extra bench push ups and was able to do triceps dips. I still got frustrated that I wasn't able to complete all the sets at the starting weights. Matt was super patient with me and really motivating. After the workout he said I did a really good job and it's nice that I push myself. He has a couple clients who kind of just wuss out and give up I guess. He said he wished all his clients worked as hard as I did. Complements coming from a hot guy really help :)

Another part was the whole nutrition thing. I've been using myfitnesspal.com and he wanted me to start logging my food on their apexfitness, which is fine, except their database isn't as full of information as myfitness so I'm logging in a lot of nutritional information. And then it shows how much fat, protein and carbs I'm getting. I was doing so well on the calorie part, not really paying attention the others. It looks like I've been taking in way too much fat and carbs and not enough protein. So I have the working out part down.. now I need to focus on the diet. I've cut out a lot of sweets, like A LOT. I hadn't gone grocery shopping last week so I was eating out for lunch a lot but tried to keep it to salads and lean sandwiches. Now I have the groceries so I need to do some meal planning.

I spoke to my sister this morning and she really put this whole thing into perspective for me. She said that I've been doing so good for a whole month, I'm happier, I feel like this is really going to work this time and I'm just doing better all around. Satan is definitely working on me to get me back to my old self where I wasn't happy with who I was, didn't want to do anything and really struggling with depression. I know this to be true. Satan is great at making us feel terrible, because he knows what he can never have and we are still working towards that greatness that is in store. I really needed to hear this. So onward and upward. Tomorrow's a new day. I'm going to go spend the afternoon with my sisters and work on getting out of this funk. Breath!