I apparently feel strongly about the events of the past week

I feel a little Carrie Bradshaw-ish, minus the Mr. Big, New York City, awesome wardrobe, etc. Basically I'm sitting here in my sweats, drinking Martinelli's straight from the bottle, typing to all my "readers" my thoughts of the day. I know.. it was a stretch to begin with, but listening to Adele does that to you.

I would like to start out apologizing for the length of this post. I haven't finished typing it yet, but I have this feeling it's going to be epic. Just pour yourself some tea (herbal, natch) and settle in.

I would like to consider this week one of my break through weeks. If you have been following along, you would know that last Saturday I hit a big goal, down 75 pounds and feeling on top of the world. I went shopping, bought myself this skirt that I've had my eyes on for a while now. It is a 22.. it doesn't fit, but it's going to, and I'm going to wear it, and it's going to be hot!
Sunday I was up 2 pounds.
Tuesday I was up another 2 pounds.
Safe to say I was not a happy camper. AT. ALL.
I spent the week trying to wrap my hands around why this happened. I've come up with 5 reasons:
A- It's the weekend, who doesn't indulge a little.. truth. I ate a HUGE piece of Peanut Butter Cream Cheese pie from The Dodo. Yes, it was full of delicious, creamy, yummy goodness as it sounds. BUT, I noticed that being of large quantities of sweets for this past 5 months has changed my ability to handle so much. I was instantly sick after eating that piece of heaven. I know now that I can still eat sweets, but my body really can't handle it in the quantities that it used to, which is a good thing.
2- Water Weight: I'm really good at drinking water during the week. I'm at my desk, I have my water bottle that I drink out of continually throughout the day. Over the weekend I usually just stay at home and forget my water bottle, thus decreasing the amount of liquid that I add to my body. And really, water weight isn't excess water. It's when you're so dehydrated that your body doesn't want to get rid of anymore water, so it holds onto it, which isn't a good thing. Last words. DRINK WATER!
C- Muscle vs Fat: My body composition is slightly changing overtime. If you watch me through the day you'll notice me checking out my arms. It's a lot of fun. I may even let you touch my biceps. I love how my calves are shaping up and I can feel a difference with my "core" muscles. That said, I don't think the change is that drastic that it would stop my losing weight in 3 days. Plus, the more muscle you have, the more calories you burn, if you keep building the muscle.
Quatro- Hormones and such. I think there is a tendency for our bodies to go into shock. I lost 10 pounds in the first two weeks of January. I mentally freaked out and that probably had my body freaked out as well. More on this in a bit..
And Finally
5- Lying on my food entries. We had catering at work this whole week and partially last week. This is really hard in keeping track of what I'm eating. The places we order from don't offer nutritional facts, so I'm guessing on what's in the food, how much I'm taking, and trying not to go for the 3rd cookie from Blue Lemon (I stopped, really, I did). I think I did a lot better than last time, but I still slid here and there. I'm thinking next time I'll just bring my lunch. Then it won't get out of hand and I'll know what I'm eating. Included in this is me not being honest with myself. I ate a snack size thing of oreos. Did I put it in my journal? Heck no! Why? Because I don't want proof that I ate that. I don't want others to see that I ate that. Where is my will power? I remember being on weight watchers or something similar, and it was like I would almost get in trouble for eating certain things. I didn't want to get in trouble again. Matt just looks at it to see how I'm doing, to help me make better choices. I get in more trouble for not filling it out (stupid sumo squats) than I do for eating a cup of ice cream. I'm also going to start documenting how I feel when I'm eating, so we can track all of my emotional eating. yay.

So I came up with my reasonings and other excuses (?), but apparently that wasn't enough introspection for the week. Tuesday Matt could tell that I was frustrated. And I was, considerably. I thought that I was going to be at 299 this week, not back up to where I was the previous week. I had a lot riding on this. He gave me a much needed pep talk, but I kind of just sat there and nodded. If you haven't noticed yet, I don't take compliments well. It has a lot to do with my self esteem and self confidence. We'll psycho analyze that one later. I was worried that I was going to fail. Granted I've lost 75 pounds, more than when I had lap-band, but I was as the exact weight when I started gaining the weight back. Safe to say I was freaking out too. I still kind of am. It's the unknown. Yeah, I'm working out like crazy, watching what I eat, and doing so much better than I have ever done, but who's to say that next month I'm going to be back on the couch, eating a bag of peanut butter m&ms in one sitting. Deep down I know that will never be me again, but that fear to me right now is real.

I think Friday was my breakthrough. I had another session with Matt. We (I) did some new exercises that I hadn't ever done. And I sucked, well, initially. Who likes to toss medicine balls back and forth while in a lunge? Not me! Matt once again sensed my frustrations, really just told me to not be so mad, and encouraged me to keep going. I want to be at the point where it's challenging, but I'm still good at it! (PS I texted him later to see if we could do them again this week, to prove to myself that I am already better. Yes, it's a sickness and yes, I'm looking into getting help). We did measurements. I was down 15 pounds for the month of January, I lost another percent of body weight and a few inches here and there. After the work out we were sitting at his desk and he told one of the other trainers that I had lost 15 pounds and that I was not happy about it. It was true. I wanted more. I wanted 20, I wanted to be in 200s. I freaking deserved to be in the 200s. My butt had been kicked. I needed this win. I'm a numbers person. I can feel great, but I want that scale to have a freaking 2 at the beginning. Can you feel the frustration?

Friday night I knelt down to pray. I expressed my concerns to our Heavenly Father about my feelings of failure, wanting to give up (which I quickly squashed), and my overall frustrations. Here is what I know. I know that the feelings of failure and frustrations are true, but I also know that they are coming from Satan. Satan doesn't have a body. He craves to have us hate the thing that he doesn't have and something that he wants most. Even the most misshapen, disease ridden, obese body would be a blessing to him. Any discouragement that we feel is from him. He despises pure happiness and desires all to be miserable like him. I am genuinely thankful that I had this trial this week. It allowed me to refocus and to realized where these frustrations are coming from, what I can do to overcome them, and reminds me of all the support that I have, both in this world and beyond.

So that being said, I had a really good workout on Saturday, practiced some of my new exercises, and even did some stairs. Oh and I indulged with the most amazing facial ever. Congratulations to me! I also had Kayla hide my scale so I wasn't weighing myself 6 times a day, just to "see where I'm at". That wasn't helping one bit.

It's a new week. I rested today. We don't have catering coming into work. I have a good feeling about this. Thanks for sticking around :)