That one time I almost thought of becoming bulimic

I came into work a few days ago and there were some pastries in the breakroom. I hadn't planned breakfast and it had been so long since I had a danish. I took two back to my desk. It was morning and I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink, so those who know me, know that I had a hard time eating these right away as a result of my lap-band surgery a few years ago.

Anyway, I hid the pastries on the way back to my desk. As soon as I got there I shoveled them in. Oh they tasted so good for about 2 minutes. Then they just sat there in my stomach like a lump of clay, not going anywhere. I was miserable.

I ended up going to the bathroom and throwing them up, just to relieve the pain. For a split second the thought entered my mind that this could be a way around not having to control my sweet tooth! I can binge all I want on cakes, cookies, pastries, the sky was the limit!!!! That lasted all of 30 seconds. Then the realization set in. Erin, that is so dumb. You know how dangerous bulemia is. You studied it so many times in high school and college. You're not denying yourself these things now, you just have to manage your portions.

I was actually worried that I may relapse and actually try bulemia so I told Emily and Matt my thoughts so that they could reinforce and see any warning signs in the future. They both confirmed how stupid that would be for me. I'm glad I can count on them to have my back!

Losing weight is hard. I have the exercise down, no problem. Managing my diet has been my biggest challenge since day one. Knowing what I need to eat to be healthier, have more energy, and survive the day has been the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around. Eating large amounts of sugary, bad carb loaded food and then forcing my body to get rid of it will only cause further damage to my body and deny myself the nutrients that I need to suceed.

If you are struggling with an eating disorder of any kind, please know that I am here for you and I will try to help you as much as possible.

The Biggest Loser

So this time last year a season of The Biggest Loser started and I actually watched the entire season. Let's just say I had similar interests with the partipants. I was blown away by how much weight they lost and was so jealous that I wasn't there, that I had to work on my own and figure things out for myself. They had it so easy! They went there, had trainers work with them, their whole day was centered around working out and eating healthy.

Fast forward to last night. I was watching the first hour of the show. I was touched by a few of the stories and how it played out. I was in a lot of their shoes 16 months ago, completely at a loss as to what I was going to to do. I was mad that I had let myself get to where I was. But I knew that it was only up to me to make the changes that I needed.

Last night I was watching the participants work with the trainers and I knew exactly what they were going through. They were running on the first day! I was winded after 5 minutes on the elliptical. They were on the rower, doing squats, kettle bell throws, resistance band running, and a whole lot more. They had Jillian, Dolvett, and Bob yelling at them. No wonder most of them were in tears. I would have wanted to give up too! I was so happy that that wasn't me! I know the hard work that it takes to do those exercises now. It makes me more thankful for the patience and motivation that I received from Matt while training and the encouragement from others all around me. I know the commitment and dedication that it takes to make permanent changes.

There was once girl who left halfway through the first week. She was initally happy to be on TBL, but then realized that mentally and emotionally she wasn't ready for the changes that were in store for her. It really does matter if you are ready. You have to want it. You can do it for others at first and you may be successful, but if you are not in it for you, that success will not last. At least that's what my experience shows.

I was floored when at the weigh-in people were losing 15 - 30 pounds in that first week. I remember last year I was so frustrated because they were losing those numbers in a week and I wasn't even close to losing that in a month. I was discussing that with a friend last night and he reminded me how unhealthy it is to lose so much weight so quickly. And then found that a lot of the participants did gain their weight back.

I'm glad I'm doing this the way I am. It would have been fun (?) to be on The Biggest Loser, but I know that what I'm doing is for me and it is a lifestyle change. I have been able to take the time that I need to figure things out mentally, emotionally and physically. I still have some barriers that I need to get over, but this process is definitely helping me accomplish that.

I'm going to continue watching The Biggest Loser and cheer them on. But I'm not going to let their results shadow my own. I'm not going to compare what their doing with what I'm doing. Maybe I'll learn a few things, maybe I'll see some exercises that I want to try, but that's about it.

buying healthy food means eating healthy food.. unless you don't eat what you buy

So this week has been fun.

I was sick last week. I had a really bad sore throat and body aches Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday I completely lost my voice and it was good and gone until this Tuesday. That's the first time I can remember really losing my voice. It wasn't as cool as I thought it would be.

Because I was sick I didn't feel like I was pushing myself as hard as I could in my workouts. I had a session last Thursday with Matt which I probably should have skipped. We focused mostly on legs. I squatted (?) my heaviest weight to date, 240lbs! BODY WEIGHT! Except I only did it twice and then the third time I couldn't stand back up. I locked the bar and got up. I complained just a bit that it was super heavy. Matt said something about how it looked like I had just given up. He took 50 off and then my competitive side kicked in. I can't give up! I added back 20 and did a full set. Then I added another 10 and did another full set. You just have to give me a minute there bud! And I was sick! Maybe next time it will go better.

I did some great grocery shopping this weekend. I love Winco and their produce and bulk foods. My only problem is not eating everything before it goes bad. I tend to over buy..

Anyway. I came home and packaged my snack bags for the coming week or two. It's turned out really well when I remember to bring things with me. I was pretty proud of myself on Wednesday. We had a pizza party at work. I limited myself to one piece (so good) and brought some veggies to eat along with it. People were asking where we got the veggies. Too bad, I only brought enough for me :) Then I had a birthday party that night. I was still able to have a small piece of cake and ice cream and still stay under my calories for the day. It's all about planning, people! Who knew! Granted, I was about double the fat grams, but everything else was good. I told so many people, already submitted my daily intake and then the cravings came. I just said no and drank water! Thursday I didn't plan as well and had to eat out for breakfast and lunch, but I was still able to stay under my calories. Two days in a row! I think today will be a good day too. I get down on myself on the days when I don't eat well. I have the whole exercise thing down. It's been made clear time and time again that my diet is the thing that standing in my complete and total success. I know every day can't be a perfect day, but the more better days add to better weeks which add to better months and rockstar weigh ins!

One final note for this post...
You know, growing up, when your mom was trying to teach you manners about not drinking out of the carton? Sometimes if you don't listen to her you end up drinking out of the wrong carton. This was not a fun experience. Luckily, I realized it was not orange juice before I swallowed. SO GROSS!!

Weigh-in results and then some.

This week was weigh in. It didn't go as well as I had thought. I walked into the gym not feeling skinny at all. I know. I hate that. Anyways, I was down another 5 pounds for the month of November. I guess that's good with the holidays and slowing down as I get closer to my goal weight. I'm not a fan of making excuses, but you gotta do what makes it easier for you to sleep at night. I'm doing the same work outs as before. It really comes down to my diet, which I'm trying to work on on a regular basis. I have some ideas, now to put those into action.  I did go down in inches throughout and I'm starting to "even out". My left side has always been bigger than my right side (because I'm left handed). I think there's only a 1/2" difference now on most measurements. And really. I can't complain. The fact that I'm still consistantly losing weight and inches is a blessing.

I didn't go to BodyPump on Wednesday because I stayed home sick all day. I was threatened by a few people if I did show up. I laid in bed thinking that my muscles were already in atrophy and I threw a little fit. Sometimes we get a little crazy here. I probably shouldn't have gone yesterday, but... I did. If and when I get the skin removal surgery I may die just a bit when I'm not allowed to do any exercise at all for 2-4 weeks.

One of the newer trainers was asked if he worked with me. He responded with, "Who's Erin". Matt said he just shook his head and thought to himself, "You can't work here and not know who Erin is." That was nice to hear. I'm going to work on updating my training success story for the board. I told them I'm going to wait until I'm at 150# lost (which could be some time in January.. or June depending on how Christmas goes).

Oh and I'm letting go of my past life this weekend. Stay tuned. Now that I've posted it on here, I may actually follow through.

Thank you to everyone for your continued support, love, and encouragement.

A pictoral review

This week's plan

I got up this morning and ran 2 miles. That felt good. Sunday is my day off so I'm always chomping at the bit to get back in the gym and going again. There wasn't any room at the stretching area afterwards so I went into the room with the scale.. and I caved.. I know. I told myself I wasn't going to weigh in until measurements day. Oh well. It was a good number and I was totally pleased with it. Now not to over anaylze it and hold out until the real weigh in day.

This is my plan for this week
Today - AM Run (2 miles)
              PM - Lift (legs)
Tuesday - BootCamp
Wednesday - AM Run (2 miles)
                      PM BodyPump
Thursday - Training session
Friday - AM Run (2 miles)
              PM Full Body Circuit
Saturday - BootCamp

Besides that, I have two goals for this week: Document what I eat 5/7 days and fold and put away my laundry!!

A little break through, at least for today

So I've been moping around the last few weeks because I haven't been seeing the results that I'm used to seeing. I can definitely put blame on my eating habits for this, but then again, I don't want to take responsibility. Isn't that always the case? I was thinking about this yesterday. I lost 100 pounds in the first 7 months and probably 35-40 in the next 7 months. I haven't weighed myself in 2 weeks and will not be weighing myself for another 10 days, just for spite.

I am constantly reminded by myself and by others that the closer I get to my goal weight, the harder it will be to lose the weight. I mentally know this, but it hasn't been until the last couple days that this has really come into ACTUAL play. My body composition has also drastically changed the last 14 months. I sometimes think that I could be working out harder, and sometimes I probably could, but to make the most difference in my weight loss journey I definitely still need to gain control over my eating habits. It has been a challenge for me my entire life. And yes, I've been able to get my workouts pretty solid, but that was actually something new that I was adding to my life. I have been eating poorly forever. Granted, my eating now is definitely not what it has been in the past. No whole pizzas and pints of Haagen Daaz on the weekends for me. It's a daily battle though. I keep thinking that one day it's going click, one day I'm going to wake up and be able to say no to the peanut m&m's at work :)

Today I was at church at something really hit me (thus the running home and FINALLY updating my blog). Elder Dieter F Uchtdorf of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints said in our past general conference, "Sometimes in life we become so focused on the finish line that we fail to find joy in the journey. We shouldn’t wait to be happy until we reach some future point, only to discover that happiness was already available—all the time!"

This is my goal for today. I am not going to get down on myself for not consistently losing 15 pounds every month. I'm not going to think that I haven't progressed as much the last 7 months as I did the first 7 months. This has been a very hard journey for me, but it has also brought me some of the most joy I have felt in my life. I am going to take each day and try my hardest. If I don't do as well, I'm not going to let that deter me from trying hard again the next day, or telling myself that I have to work extra hard for not meeting my goal the previous day. Seriously. It's just going to be one day at a time. One day. And then each of those good days are going to add up to good weeks and good months. This is my goal and my hope. 

I have about 45 more pounds until I get to the weight where a surgeon will consider doing skin removal surgery. It's a major surgery, because I have so much extra skin. My insurance will not touch it. It's about the price of a new car :) We're trying to get my "story" out there in hopes of inspiring others to make health changes, and then maybe get it in a magazine or a show that might help finance the final (and necessary) pieces of my transformation. If you have any pointers or ideas, please let me know. 

I should probably work on getting a new picture up too :)

Final side note - Had brunch with friends up Emigration Canyon at Ruth's Diner on Saturday. It was amazing!! There will be a wait, but it's well worth it.