Mental block #1 Weight loss - I was at 303 for almost 3 weeks, fluctuating a pound here and there. I almost died. I felt the fear of failure. There was no way I was going to be able to break that barrier. I was weighing myself multiple times a day hoping to see 299. I needed to see that 299 to know that I was succeeding. Like I had said earlier, with my lapband I never got below 303. I hit 303 and then I gained back all my weight. If I passed 303 then I know this was going to work. I had already lost more weight than I had with lapband, but I needed to see that 299. I gave myself the weekend to not weigh (this was a few weeks ago). That monday morning I woke up, weighed myself and I was 299. And I've been steadily losing weight since. It was so great to pass that barrier.
Mental block #2 Weight lifting - I've always been strong. For some reason I think that just comes with the territory. I'm larger than the average woman, so I guess that means I'm stronger than the average person. For some reason I don't(didn't) WANT to be stronger. I connected more strength with less femininity. There have been times in my work out where Matt will select the weight without telling me. And then I will freak out that I was able to do that weight. I held myself back on selecting my own weights because I didn't want to be that strong. I know.. I'm crazy.. I've made my peace with that. Last week I maxed out on one of the leg press machines. That's right, I leg pressed 309lbs. But I didn't go all crazy. I realized that I leg press that amount every day when I'm walking, standing up, etc. I have to be strong in order to move, to exercise, to survive, and to open up those darn jars
Mental Block #3 - again with the weight loss - So not being with my scale the last few weeks as really caused me some concern. I felt that the weighing myself showed my progress. If I had a good day, it would show that on the scale. If I let myself go, again, it would show up on the scale. The scale at the gym weighs heavier, plus it's at night, fully clothed, and sadly, more accurate than my walmart special scale. But I had seen success on my scale. The scale at the gym still has me at 300+. Without having my scale at home I've had a hard time visualizing my weight loss. Yes, 95% of my clothes are now to big on me. Yes, I've been able to do a lot of exercises that I never before could even imagine doing. But, I don't SEE my progress. Everyone says I'm looking great, I come in from the weekend and people comment that I look like I've lost more weight just from the weekend. I guess seeing myself every day I don't SEE the changes. That is until Saturday. We had a party for my uncle Friday night. We were all supposed to dress up so I did my part. The pictures seriously shocked me. It's there, proof of my hard work. I have no idea what weight I'm at, but I can definitely see the difference now. I can feel the difference, but I can SEE the difference too! I fit in. I don't feel like I'm taking up half the photo. They didn't have to make room for me. I'm really seeing and feeling a big change in my self confidence too. sorry for all the rambling.
Seriously, I saw this picture and I amazed myself :) My first thought was, "that's me! I'm skinny!" (I still have a long way to go, but it's seriously an improvement.)
I love my sisters. I wish we all lived closer. They have loved me at every stage, at every weight, for who I am.
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