Today's thank you's

Ala Jimmy Fallon, here are some of my "thank yous" for the day

Thank you grass allergies. I used anti-itch cream on my legs this morning, instead of lotion. two birds, one stone.

Thank you red light on 400 south for keeping me humble. No one should ever make all green lights on the way to work.

Thank you heel for reminding me that I really don't want to be a pirate. Limping sucks.

Thank you random late night snacks. I really enjoyed those crazy dreams last night.

Thank you "hot cups" for not really keeping the hot items hot, but for thoroughly burning my hands.

Thank you office A/C (and home A/C while we're at it) for allowing me the opportunity to pretend I lived in the Arctic.

Thank you BootCamp, BodyPump and my own workout, for letting me live the term "dead arm"

What are you thank yous for the day?

Me - One year ago - continued

Technically this was me a year and one day ago, but I was celebrating yesterday. deal with it :)

A year ago I had had enough. Something finally clicked. I had to do something, I had to do now, and I had to do it for me. I was just about ready to turn 30 and tipped the scales at 378, the largest I had ever every been. I told myself there was no way I would get to 400.

I was researching the local gyms online when I got to 24hourfitness.com. One of the online people popped up on my screen and sent me a 7 day free trial pass. When I got home I called the gym. I talked to Kate, one of the membership people. I told her my story, my struggle with my weight, how I needed to work with someone who would keep me accountable, challenge me, but not kill me. I made an appointment to meet with them 20 minutes later. I walked in, got a tour of the facility, set up my membership and signed up with a personal trainer.

For the first 9 months I worked out with Matt twice a week. The with thing is a lie. He told me what to do and I did it. The other days I would rotate between cardio and strength training. Six days a week (sometimes 7) I would be at the gym for at least 90 minutes. I had to. It made me feel better. It made me happier and gave me more energy. It still does.

I went in to see my doctor in April. Complete clean bill of health. She took me off my anti depressant medication and was so thrilled for me. I ran my first 5K in May. I volunteered for Spartan Race in June (so I can see what I'm getting myself into when I sign up to run it next year). I was on the injured list for 2 months while dealing with some tendonitis. It stopped me from running, but I was still able to use the elliptical and strength train.

I now meet with Matt once every other week (they get expensive, but totally worth it). I've added boot camp and body pump to my training schedule along with the regular strength training and cardio days. KC makes sure I go to Boot Camp even though I feel like I'm going to die each time. Matt sat down with me a couple weeks ago to make sure I had everything set up with my schedule. Apparently you're supposed to work out the full body evenly.. something about not wanting to have uneven hamstrings or biceps..

I'm still working on my eating habits. I definitely notice the difference my body feels when I'm eating healthier. It kind of goes in shock whenever I over do it on the sugar. If I could still get my sweet tooth under control things would be a lot better! This journey has definitely been more than just a physical one. I have grown mentally, emotionally and have overcome more obstacles that I personally had set up for myself.  I am so blessed to have the support, love, and encouragement from everyone around me. I have made new friends, strengthened old relationships and shared my story with complete strangers. I have gained confidence and self esteem that I have always wanted. I'm not hiding. I still have a ways to go, but it's definitely worth it and it's definitely attainable. Thanks for reading my story.

Me - One year ago

I'm sure I've shared this before, but at this time, it's worth mentioning again
http://www.canyoustayfordinner.com/my-weight-loss-journey/

I always had a weight problem. I love using past tense. Granted I have a ways to go, but not nearly as far as this time last year. A year ago today, I was miserable. I was morbidly obese. My body could have given out on me at any moment. I was depressed. I lived my life vicariously through others, because I didn't have the energy or strength to do what they were doing. I lied to myself that it wasn't "that bad".  I got more stretching done just by trying to tie my shoes. I got winded walking up the 15 steps to leave my house each morning. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I ate to celebrate good things. I ate to comfort myself during the bad times. I wasn't feeding myself, I was feeding my emotions. I spent 8 hours sitting at a desk at work and then came home and sat in front of the TV/computer for another 6 hours before I would go to bed.

I didn't have a miserable childhood. I was happy, really. I knew I was different, that I had other challenges than most kids. This was made clear to me when I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting when I was 7. I don't blame my mom. She had 3 other kids at the time. She had tried losing weight herself and helping me and didn't know of any other resources. The problem was that no one else in the family had a weight problem. I vividly remember going to a meeting with my mom and then coming home to the family eating ding dongs and ho hos. They told me I couldn't have any because I was on a diet. They probably have no idea how this effected me. It's defintely something that has stuck with me. I was talking to my mom while I was home this last month. She apologized for not doing more to help me lose weight earlier. I can't blame her for the extra eclair that I snuck, or using all my babysitting money on peanut butter cups and m&ms.

I was never able to get control on my weight and it just got progressively out of control the older I got. More weight meant less activities. More weight meant bigger clothes. Bigger clothes meant shopping in the old ladies section. Old ladies section meant Erin was not looking good. Seriously. I went through some high school pictures this last week. My eyes burned.

I made peace with myself. I made peace that I would never be healthy, never be skinny, and that I just needed to make due with what life had given me. How sad. Being overweight was going to be my challenge. It was what I had to deal with. I would rather be overweight then have x problem or x problem.

Then 2007 rolled around. I was at the highest weight I had every been, 350 lbs. (who can ever say they're happy at 350lbs). My grandma found a doctor who specialized in Bariatric surgery, specifically the Lap-Band. I talked it over with my parents, went in for a consultation, and because I was un-insured i.e. no red tape, the surgery was done 2 weeks later. It was the best/worst 6 months of my life. I lost 50lbs like that. I had more energy. I was losing weight, despite what I ate. I started going to the gym. But I hadn't made any mental/emotional progress. I found out soon enough that Ben & Jerry's goes through that smaller stomach super nice. And if I wanted to eat more, all it took was another glass of water. Soon enough I had gained back the 50 lbs and an additional 25, just for kicks.

Last July we went on a family vacation to Florida. I thought that I looked so good in my new swimsuit. I have photographic proof that that was not the case. I was getting to the moment where I knew I was not going to be able to live in my current physical state.. at least not for long. I wanted to be able to do more, I wanted to actually look good in a swimming suit. I wanted to want to have pictures taken of me. I wanted to be able to do anything without questioning whether or not I was going to make it. I never wanted to have to back out from playing sports, hiking, biking, etc because I simply couldn't. That was me a year ago today. To be continued... tomorrow :)

Hardest week thus far

Last week was probably the toughest week I've had to endure since I started my "I'm going to finally get healthy" journey. Let's discuss:

1. I was still trying to get back into the groove from being on vacation. Who knew that taking 9 days off of my schedule (physical and eating) would be so hard!! Granted, I ran a lot while I was there, but nothing compared to what I do when I'm on my own. Also, I was more relaxed (ok, A LOT more relaxed) on what I ate. But it was good to be home. It was more of an emotional journey than I had expected. A lot of the issues that I have with food circle back to my childhood and just growing up in general. My parents are in a different home, but it felt good to be back with all the sisters and realize that whatever happened in my past is in the past. I have so much to look forward to without all the excess weight tying me down.

Once I got back to the gym, everyone made sure I didn't forget that I had been on vacation. In three separate classes I was reminded that I had been on vacation and I couldn't have expected it to be easy when I got back. Thanks guys.. thanks a lot!! It was definitely good to be back though. I missed my gym family.

2. As soon as I got back from vacation we had our education programs start up at work. That means a lot of long hours and a bunch of strangers asking you questions from A-Z. It also means catered breakfast and lunch with amazing sugar cookies from Blue Lemon. They are of the devil. The first week I think I had 6. It was bad. I was able to hold off and not have any the second week, mostly because everyone horked them down so there weren't any leftovers to tempt me. Actually, with the lunches we got on Monday there were cookies in there too. I had the one that came with mine and then there were 2 leftover on the table. We were cleaning up after program and a lady at work left them. I was set on picking them up on my way out.. for later.. I had just picked them up when my friend poked her head in to see where I was. I felt like I had been caught red handed. She knew I was trying not to eat the cookies. I panicked and tossed them in garbage can. It actually felt good after I got over the disappointment of not having cookies.

3. Everything spiraled out of place Tuesday. I felt like I wasn't progressing, I felt like I was losing all of my strength that I had built up with my regular training. My eating was totally out of whack with program in session. I actually thought about quitting everything, the gym, the better eating, everything. I'm celebrating my one year anniversary next week. I was going to cancel the party. It was bad. Wednesday didn't help. I was trying to get to the gym for a class and one of the lights was out. I finally got there, but realized that my gym bag was on my bedroom floor. I actually went home, changed, and went back to the gym. I was 20 minutes late, but got a decent workout and run in before heading home. I think things turned around after that. A HUGE thank you to Emily for talking me out of everything and seeing me through.

4. Thursday I got dressed up for work and everything changed. I felt like a million bucks. And everyone was so kind to me with their comments (because when you look this good you have to share it on Facebook)

This week is going to be a great week! I had Boot Camp Saturday, today and tomorrow, BodyPump on Wednesday, training session on Thursday and PARTY TIME on Friday!!!! Now if we can just get through all the work too :)

Good-bye to the scale

Plans to get rid of my scale have been in the works for a few months now, but everything seemed to fall through. I was going to take it on a hike and drop it off an edge, smash it with a sledgehammer, drop it in the dumpster at the gym, chuck it off the Brooklyn Bridge, etc. The final plan was to lay my scale to rest while I was home, but I ran out of time to dig a hole (and I ended up not wanting to actually dig said hole). So I dumped it. In my parents trash can. It didn't come back to Utah with me. I think dumping it at my parents' will be good for me emotionally because my weight issues are 99% tied to my childhood and life growing up (not necessarily with my family, but just growing up in general).

A lot of people have questioned why I got rid of my scale. I had a very unhealthy relationship with scale. When I first started this journey I was weighing myself upwards of 6 or 7 times a day. Pure craziness. I would measure my success by the number on the scale and not by how my clothes were fitting, my increase of energy, or improvements during my workouts. If I weighed less then somehow that meant I could cheat a little more on my diet. If I weighed more then it was a screw it, I guess what I'm eating isn't helping, and then I would eat whatever was in sight.

Don't worry. I'm still going to be tracking my weight loss, but in a more controlled environment. Matt has offered to continue doing weigh ins and measurements at the gym on a monthly basis. And the scale is there too, so as long as go to the gym I'll be able to weigh myself :)

When I finally made the decision to rid myself of the scale I was inspired to write a eulogy. Although personal to me, I would like to share it with you. Hopefully we can all find peace in knowing that the number displayed on the scale does not define who we are as individuals. (please note this was late at night and I am not going to edit it for grammar, as I feel will lose some of the emotion)

Dearly beloved (I'm a tinge dramatic)

We are gathered here today to lay to rest of the most despised, and yet, deeply loved inventions known to mankind.

Stepping onto scale was one of the first indications that I needed to make a final change in my life. As the digital screen slowly crept towards 400, my life was getting shorter, as were my breaths as I tried hauling around the physical evidence of what was on the screen.

The first days and months of this journey were spent in close proximity and numerous trips to scale. I would wake up and visit scale, use the bathroom and visit scale, shower, get dressed, come home from work, come home from the gym, shower, almost everything that I did was followed by a visit to scale. Whatever scale told me was how I felt about my progress. It didn't matter what tape measure said, the extra mile ran, or the added weights on squats. What scale says go.

One time I made a promise not to visit scale for a week. Then that went to a month. I make have died a bit, but near the end I found sort of a peace that I was missing. Those on the outside kept telling me that I was in a bad relationship, that scale wasn't good for me, and I needed to move on.

I cut back our visits to once a day. Sometimes I could even go every other day without seeing scale. I know in the end that this permanent break will be good for me.

With scale, I'm taking the opportunity to lay to rest a few other things in my life. I want to emphasize that I'm not burying these, like burying old feelings, with a shovel in reach to dig them up at a moment's notice. They are being laid to rest, only revisited to see my strength, progress, and achievements.

Here I lay to rest my doubt. Never again will I question whether or not I can do "x". It takes hard work, commitment, and determination. If you have these things you can accomplish anything.

Here I lay to rest the pains of being fat. Physical and emotional pains. I am a new person. I have overcome. The world is out there, waiting for me to conquer it. I will not let ill spoken words of the past hold me down. I will not speak ill words to others who are fighting their own battles. We all have our own struggles and although they cannot all be seen physically, words spoken without thought can cause more pain and suffering than words can express. Trust me, I know. Kids are mean. Adults are ruthless. Words from loved ones, no matter how lovingly said, still leave a mark.

This is in no way the end of my journey. I still have a ways to go, progress to be made, goals to attain. I will not let the number on a scale dictate my happiness. I will not let the number on a piece of plastic determine how long I stay at the gym. I am doing this so I can look at myself in the mirror and be happy with where I have come from. I'm doing this so I can walk up however many flights of stairs and not question if I'm going to make it. I'm doing this for my body, to say thank-you for not giving up on me and  allowing me a 2nd (or 17th) chance at life.

My only regret in this is that I didn't actually read this after I dumped the scale in the garbage.. and I didn't include my family. It is a personal struggle, but my family has been my continual support and have loved me no matter what the numbers say. So without any further delay.. picture proof!

Packed and ready to go!

Making the final preparations

My mixed emotions, and awkward stance

It's a good thing, really it is!

1, 2, 3....

And it's done.. a little anti-climatic 

There was an actual feeling of peace

Success!!!

Unless you have been overweight, it's really hard to describe how stressful traveling, especially on the airplane, is so stressful. Last year I felt like every passenger was judging me as I walked down the aisle. It's hard enough to maneuver your luggage. Actually walking down yourself is quite similar to playing Operation, trying to get to the destination with out bumping into anyone. And then the faces on the passengers, holding their breath, praying to every deity known that the empty seat next to them is not the one on your boarding pass.  There is an audible sigh of relief once you pass their row. Asking the flight attendant for a seat belt extender and then they hand it to you like they're passing you illicit drugs. Sitting awkwardly in my seat, trying not to move an inch, causing further discomfort to the passenger who drew the short straw and now sitting next to me for the next what seems like eternity.

Well it all came to an end on this trip. I was able to walk confidently down the aisle. I didn't see any crossings or rosary beads. No bumping into people I didn't want to bump into. I sat in my seat and "click". It was SO magical!

New clothes

I currently have 4 fully stuffed garbage bags and a nicely sized pile of clothes (as pictured below) of clothes that no longer fit me. It is a shame to see these good clothes go, but I'm excited to "restock". Shopping with my sisters is even more fun, if you can imagine that!

My closet was definitely depleted once I went through and cleared everything out that no longer fit me. Granted I did have some clothes in a basket that needed put away as well, but what a sad sight!

My amazing sister had a friend who moved out of country. She was getting rid of some clothes and my sister snatched them up for me! I didn't have any idea how much she actually had, but we can safely say I will be sufficiently clothed for the next while. My sister brought 2 huge FAO Schwartz bags to my parents' house. Think of the Ikea bags, but I would say they're even a little bigger than that. I had my own mini fashion show with all of my sisters! The clothes ranged from 14-18 so I definitely have some room to shrink ;). It's nice to have options again.

Plus the dresser is pretty full as well.. and I still have a bag that my sister took with her because it wouldn't fit in my luggage! Now, what to do with the clothes that don't fit? They're mostly in really good shape, good quality, etc. I was thinking about selling them on KSL.com.. $50 per garbage bag.. my mom said to try consignment instead, maybe I would get more money. I can also donate them, but I kind of need the funds as well. Any suggestions?